Welcome to reality- chapter 36:

The sunlight shining throught the cream-colored curtain, waking me up. It was a beautiful saturday morning. yesterday was perfect.I hope today's perfect too but perfection doesn't even exist so, whatever.


I climbed out out bed and walked down our marble staircase to find my sister that isin't supposed to be here, cooking breakfast. Weird.


"hallah" I said "mta yaitay?" and smiled.


"ana nayma ehnee, 9aida" She said.


oh, crap.


"umm, ams sima3t nas-" I started to say but she cut me off.


"chubay, yasmeen I heard you and umm" She said with a abit of sadness in her eyes like she's been crying, I just noticed when I came closer.


"Bader, umm.. remas I'm sorry I won't do it again" I said and a tear drop escaped her eyes. Sadness filled my heart when I saw her cry.


"shfeech remas? mithawsha ma3a raylech? you can talk to me about it" I said, she cried harder.


"It's not about that, it's Bader yasmeena" She said, My eyes filled with tears.


"shfee bader, is he okay?" I said loudly, She didn't reply she just nodded her head.


"Remas, please tell me" I said, she's killing me here I need to know.


She took a deep breath and said "It's Bader, After he left here.. He got into a huge accident"


"mowjood bel mustashfa?yallah 5anroo7" I said holding my tears. I stood up, I wanted to go change. I smiled trying to act brave when my heart had been cut into a million peices.


"yasmeena, el 3azah bader bacher you need to come" When she said that and I just broke. I cried and cried. Remas hugged me tight and that made me cry even more.


I lost Bader.


I lost my best friend.


I lost the only person that I ever truely loved.


I lost the only person that I ever opened my heart up to.


I lost the only person that I ever trusted fully


I lost the only person that no matter what NEVER judged me.


I locked myself in my room, cried all night. That night when I slept wish pure depression in my soul.


I stayed that way for about another year or so, filled with depression.

And until now, not a single day passes by that I don't sleep at night without thinking of everything we've been through.

It is one of the hardest things in the world to lose a loved one.

And until today, I cry every single night remembering him.

That one moment when I lost some of the few people in my life who taught me what true love really is. The smile that shines brightly no longer shines as bright as it used to, the tears that rolled down my cheeks became heavier, and yet here I am stronger than ever because of him.


As each day goes on I live my life a little more, burying the pain that was left and will always be there, deeply in my heart.

No pain can match the pain of losing the ones you loved with all your heart, even when you don’t realize how much they meant to you until they’re no longer by your side.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 35:

It was Mid-October, I had just gotten into the school pattern. It was a bright day, a friday. instead of going to my grandmother's for lunch we're(the entire family) going to prime and toast. Today's looks like its going to be a good day.


I called Fajer, my cousin, I asked her when she was going to pick me up. She'll arive in 10 minutes. I got up from bed and took a quick shower. I wore a sky blue dress, The dress was long and simple. I wore silver sandals. I didn't even bother to dry my hair. I like it this way.


Today, I wore no make up. I love how simple I look, I'm usually not that way. Fajer said she was outside.
I made my way to their driver's car.


"hii, shlonich? shaklich eshaweg yasmeeen!" She said, I smiled at her compliment. I usually don't like compliments because I have a low confidence in my beauty. I always see that my sister's prettier than me.


We chatted about her new school in kuwait, for the past 4 years she was in a boarding school in qatar. I missed what it's like to have her in my life without rushing because she travels back and forth. We were so close before she went to boarding school. She was like a sister I'd tell everything to.


We arrived and I greeted parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. My family rarely goes out all together, I was one of those days that I'd look back at and realize that I truely really happy without doing something wrong.


I seated next to Remas, my sister, on my left. Remas just came back from her honeymoon a week ago. Our house has been empty without her. Fajer sat on my right and I sat across from Bader, I haven't seen Bader in so long.


The parents were talking about polotics since my family is full of polotions. It seems like the only topic they ever talk about.


I listened to my cousins talk about their wild adventures, they usually skip school all together and go out. I love it when they tell me about their adventures, these days I rarely get to see them.


I spent the rest of the day at home with fajer, we watched friends and talked. I don't ever think i've laughed this much in my entire life.


"shlon kan boarding school, '3air 3an school ehnee?" I asked.


"faaaaarg, ehnak ma95ara(I smirked at her) ok, chub don't look at me like that you know what I mean" She said and I laughed at her.


I heared something buzz, It was her phone.


"My driver barah barou7" She stood up and gave me a hug.


"mara7 etwa9leeny ta7at" She said with a smile.


"maskeena, el bait fa'9e bes ana elwa7eeda eli mowjooda a7sanle ag3ad ehnee bes i love you" I said.


"ee khair"she replied with a smile and left.


After she left, I grabbed my BlackBerry. It was 1 a.m.


I saw I had a bbm from Bader.


Bader: malal


Yasmeen: wainik?


Bader: al7een ba6la3 mn el duwaniya, entay?


Yasmeen: bel bait, wai3 maku a7ad


Bader: bamurich


Yasmeen: ay shay, la' wain ga3deen?


Bader: yallah 3ad


Yasmeen: la' mu6rif(his driver) akeed begoul 7ag ahalik


Bader: la2


Yasmeen: you drive now? ma3endik lisince


Bader: ubooy ya36eeny el sayara la2ana mu6rif ma yar'3a ewadeeny


Yasmeen: ma5eth the mercedes? :o


Bader: adree etmouteen 3ala el sayara, ma tabeen etshoufeenha?


Yasmeen: okay you can come over


please no one judge me on what's going to happen next. Once you know a person as long as your entire life you know they won't do anything to hurt you. Please try to understand this.


Bader: ana already bara, el duwaniya kanat nafs man6igatkum


Yasmeen: mara7 a6la3 ta3al, the back door's open


I went down to the 9alah, my parents were traveling and brothers were sound asleep up stairs.


I saw him come, and I approached him "heyy" I said.


"hallah" He said, then he hugged me tight.


"i miss you" he whispered, my cheeks flushed, I had butterflies in my stomache. All I could think about is how good he smelled.


Despite all that I replied "yal 3ayar, you saw me el 9ub7" I shot back.


"why don't you just say 'i miss you too'?"He said.


"I'm not the kind of person that lies" I said.


"aa77" He said in a dramatic way and smiled, i love his smile.


"ta3alay 5al nitmasha bel 7adeega" He said with a smirk.


"ee, khaair" I said.


"mn9ijy, ta3alay" He smiled and pulled my hand lightly.


I stood up, he put his arm around me. We walked outside, he looked so handsome underneath the moon light.


I remember that night vividly. Extreamly happy was an under exaggeration of what I felt.


We sat on the grass, playing the star game that we always play in the chalet.


& we just lay there all night looking at the stars. I couldn't get over how handsome he was under the moonlight. His light brown hair with slight curls coming out of his cap. His smile just made me happy.


After we counted every star in the sky, he sat up and said "you're too beautiful" I never believe it when he compliments me but at that moment it felt so real. I blushed.


We were too close, he kissed my cheeks, stood up and said "the sun will rise any minute now, lazim arou7" He left.



 I just stayed there thinking about him. Letting my thoughts consume him.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 34:

That day, I remember my mother slapped me so hard that I couldn't feel the pain. So hard my cheek was red until the next day. She took my phone, my laptop and my iPad away until Remas's wedding which is today.


I started school, a week has passed actually. I hated my self. My mother no longer looks at me as the innocent young girl she raised.


My mother now sees me as a reckless and careless teenager with an urge of rebellion. Little did she know, it was society's making. The society and the media that made models look skinny & flawless, teenagers look rebellious and all adults look like role models.


When in reality, models are always insecure, teenagers only need someone to talk to that won't judge them and adults do make mistakes that they try to hide for the sake of their reputation.


You remember muneera? Khalid's sister? Started a rumor that I harm myself. I ignored her, instead I tweeted her from farah's phone "@muneeraAlX if my life is so interesting to you that you started a rumor about me 3ayal 7adich maskeena"


I didn't feel bad at all about sending the tweet. No one trust's her anymore. Testahel. I changed, I know. Cold-hearted you might say I've turned into, Or heartless. It's only because I cared too much.
Don't worry me & Bader are still together in the story.



I went to the salon with Farah, I've been really close to her these days but she didn't take over deema's place. It's just Farah knows and understands what I'm going through. Her parent's divorce got finalized and she's been caught in the middle but I don't think she'll ever get over it.


We finished from the salon about 4. I loved farah's hair, It's naturally light brown and she just slightly curled it. Me? I did a waterfall braid, My hair is kind of a mix of colors so It turned out okay. All the girls are coming over to my place afterwards so we can get ready together.


Time passed by fast and the next thing I knew it was time for my sister, the bride, to come in. I was wearing a marchesa dress, It's my favorite.

And my mother was wearing an Alexander McQueen dress that my sister picked out, She looked beautiful.

The lights were off, A single bright spotlight came on. She was stunning, I had tears in my eyes. I love her to death and I can't imagine how terrible my life would have been without her. Mashallah. She looked simply amazing in her Vera Wang dress. Simple but classy.

Her dress wasn't so long so she didn't need my help. She moved gracefully. I can't even describe my feelings. I was overwhelmed with emotions. We all danced, she kissed my mother and my grandmothers heads before seating.


Her friends came and tried to calm her. She was frightened. I then tried to calm her and I eventually made her laugh.


After half an hour they announced that the groom was coming in with our family(guys), his family(guys) and a couple of his close friends. I covered my bare shoulders. Everyone got covered up.


I saw them come in. Then I saw him, and my heart literally skipped a beat. Guys look 100 times more attractive in dishdasha's. I could honestly say, out of all the guys that came in he was the most good looking.


I was blessed to have him in my life. I always read blogs and books with tragic endings, when the guy turns out to be a player and would be cheating on her the entire time.


I thanked god bader was diffrent. That bader was amazing. That bader was the best thing I could ever have. I thanked god that I had someone special in my life like him.


I blanked out starring at him, my mother caught my stare and she elbowed me. She knows about us. Everyone knows. Everyone can feel it.


Even when he's not around everyone would ask me about him, I love it. Even Bader told his parents that when I graduate he wants to marry me. He never told me that. Remas told me about that.


My cousin fajer, was finally here. She's staying in kuwait this year, no more boarding school in qatar. I was happy, el7amdellah. It was one of those moments when you just need to appreciate everything and know everything's going to be just fine.


He smiled at me and my heart raced. The room felt hot and my cheeks turned red. He didn't look around when he was coming in. He kept his eyes straight stopped twice to kiss his mother and my grandmother. That's it.


He and my cousins left after a couple of family pictures, even in the family pictures he'd be standing next to me. We's be talking to each other on bbm.


Bader: out of all the women in this room you are by far with the most beauty. Not just the looks, I couldn't care less about how you look. Enshallah lu mu labsa make up o labsa ay shay yi6la3 3alaich 7lu. Tadreen laman egoloon "el jamaal jamal el rou7" hathe entay. 


I didn't know how to reply so I didn't, he knew me too well to know that I was blushing at that moment. He turned at me and smiled. I would swim the all oceans just to see his smile.


I know, sometimes I think we were too in love. 

Welcome to reality- Chapter 33:

"Yasmeen, Yallah goumay" My mother kept nagging over my head.


"mama, khaleeny.. orientation mu elyoum, next week" I said while covering my head with the bed sheet


"7abeebty goumay 3indich dentist appointment ba3ad sa3a" My mother said


"laaa, mabee arou7" I said, I haven't slept all night


"yallah 7abeebty goumay" My mother said


"mama a5af arou7" I said, which is true i have this huge phobia of dentists.


"tabeen ayee ma3ach?" My mother asked me


"eee please&thankyou" I said, I know it sounds childish but someone always has to come with me for the dentist check up.


"ok yallah, breakfast is ready ta7at ban6erch bes lat6awleen" My mother said and with that she left the room.


I took a shower and changed into a white dress. I decided to keep my hair natural. It's the best feeling when you leave your hair to dry alone. It was a hot summers day.


 I went down stairs and ate french toast and orange juice while my mother drank her daily dose of coffee. After we finished we went to the dentist.


It's been so long since i've been out with my mother. Me and her all alone. It feels so good especially when she starts acting like a teenager.


We waited in the waiting room, It was a huge, modern building looking out on the sea. It was so beautiful aqua blue and the sky was clear not a single cloud in sight.


Then It was my turn, "tabeen ayee ma3ach da5el?" she said


"laa 3adee" I said


My dentist was obviously kuwaiti, He was about my dad's age. He checked on my teeth. Then gave me something to put on my teeth for a minute.


"shesmech?" He said


"yasmeen" I said


"Entay yasmeen 7abeebty you look like a good girl, don't get into peer pressure okay?" He said, omg wtf? I thought


"okay" I said and nodded my head


"hathee umich ele bara?" He asked


"ee" I said


"nadeeha abe akalimha" He said. As I was about to leave to call my mom he said "o ni6ray bara" I just nodded.


I called my mom and told her el dentist yabee eshoufha, She said "okay" and left inside.


I waited for 10 minutes just looking through magazines.The nurse told me to go inside, so I did and the dentist left his office.


"yasmeen, tadreen eshkither a7ibich right?" She asked, I'm guessing its a rhetorical question


I nodded.


"fichee 7aljich" She demanded. I did as I was told.


She looked at my teeth.


"Bas2elch so2al o jawbeeny eb 9ara7a" She said


"okay" I said








"you smoke?"She said with her eyes filled disapproval, pity and disgust.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 32:

The buzz of my phone vibrating on my bedside table woke me up. I hate this. I turned over my phone to see who it is


"deema" I said with an irritated tone


"tyeen ma3ay?" Deema asked


"7lfay ga3adteeny men el noum 3alashan tes2leen! tadreen ena bagoul ee" I said


"Okayy" She said


"wain?" I said


"riding" She said


"La'" I said, no way Khaled might be there.


"Is this about khaled? You've seen him there a million times after your thing" She said, Oh shit I didn't tell her.


"9aar shay" I whispered


"shnuuu?" She said partly enthusiastic and surprised.


"He Dm'ed me o gal e7ibny" I said and turning my head to the right making sure my door was closed.


"CHATHABA!!!" she screamed


"ba6atay athouny" I said loudly


"o ba3dain?" she said


"7igarta" I said


"face him" She said


"entay bes tabeen a7ad erou7 ma3ach" I said


She laughed "bayeelch ba3ad 10 minutes"


I rolled my eyes "ya3nee nu9 sa3a"


"chubb" She said and hung up the phone. I stayed in my bed 10 minutes looking though pictures on instagram and reading my timeline.


I went downstairs and ate breakfast with my family. We talked about my brothers. My dad left for the 9alat, then me, Remas and my mother started talking about this relative that just got divorced then it continues the 7ash(gossip) I asked my mother if I can go and she said okay and I excused myself from the table.


I changed into shorts and a shirt. In 20 minutes Deema came, yat salimat 3ala ahalee and we left. She's like a part of the family. My parents know her so well that they'd let me stay with her all day and when I want to go out and they'd say no I'd tell them Deema betyee o yir'9oun 3ala 6oul.


In the car we were silent. When you're comfortable with a person nothing is awkward even silence but then her driver started chatting with me asking about my driver. Even our drivers are friends. I love Deema's driver. On my birthday He'd always bring me coffee from starbucks, It's like his "gift".


I saw him, He had a riding lesson. I was watching deema ride and I sat on a bench. After his lesson khaled came and sat next to me.


"Shnu tabee?" I asked focusing on my twitter timeline


"ha shitgoleen?" He said


"shnu agool? Ana agoul enta 7maar tabee kil el banaat e7ibounik o enta etgi9 3alaihum eb kalamik" I said, I was surprised at myself. I guess it was the disclosure. He was even taken back, smiled a little. God, I hate him.


"o what about 3aysha? bel 6agag?" I asked


"um, no. I really do love her and I really do love you too" He said, WHAT??


"maynoun?" Right at when I said that Deema waved indicating that she finished her lesson and I walked away from him. How can someone love two people? Is he crazy?


I have no idea what he was thinking, like anyone would agree to this and he doesn't know me and bader are together so that explains a lot but not what goes on in that devious mind of his.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 31:

Breath-taking. I watched her coming down the marble stairs. She was the vision of a perfect Disney princess. A long red dress stitched with white roses and it was strap-less.


We got that dress a couple of weeks ago when we were roaming the halls of 9al7iya looking for a perfect milcha dress. Once we saw it, we knew it screamed perfection on her. she told me the day after that she only got that dress because she knew I loved white roses.


"How do I look?" She asked. Like she already didn't know how beautiful she was.


"A princess" I said. Not able to take my eyes of her. I envied how pretty she was but because she's my sister I also tell her what I feel.


"I can't believe you're leaving, al7een mnu enagy ehdoomy?" I said teasingly


Instead of mocking me she yanked me in for a long soul-crushing hug. Tears filled my eyes. This was way too emotional.


As time passed and people started filling in our ball room and my father called o ektibow el kitaab. My grandmother gave her a beautiful gift it was a ruby brioche that was her mother's (my mother's grandmother).


After everyone was gone, Remas changed and left ma3a 5a6eeb'ha to a restaurant. All my cousins and my aunts and uncles came over. I showed my cousins to the game room.


In my family we had this tradition, that after every birthday/wedding/milcha/eid ect we would all sleepover at the person's celebration house with parental supervision of course.


The girls in one room and the guys in another but we'd stay together until everyone went to sleep. It's kind of weird but fun. On eid we'd sleepover at my grandmother's house. That was the best.


Every one was there including Bader. I was wearing a short dress but I covered my bare shoulders with my shawl.


I entered my room and I changed into comfy free city sweat pants and a plain white Abercombie shirt after I removed my make up and grabbed my phone. I got whatapps from aysha.



3awash: Yasmeen I'm sorry.


3awash: Yasmeen I would've told you but we weren't close anymore.


3awash: yasmeen mabrook


3awash: yasmeen jawbay my calls


3awash: Yasmeen wallah I love him latfakreen '3ala6


3awash: I love you. 


It hit me, I totally forgot about them.


Yasmeen: akalmch ba3dain, love you too:*



I went into the game room, as my mother calls it where all my cousins are. I sat on a bean bag that was next to bader's conveniently that was the only place left.


He was playing play station. I don't even know why we bought that thing. Kan mindimij. There's something so beautiful about someone when they're indulged in something. Magical.


 He caught me starring at him and I looked away. I felt his devilish smile covering his flawless face. I think when you love someone their imperfections become perfect and I thought what did I do to deserve such an amazing person to love me this much?


To distract myself from this intense moment I took out my phone and tweeted my ask link. I logged into ask and I saw that I had a couple of usual questions about my family name.


then at the end of the list I saw a question from 2 days ago the same day that I saw khaled and 3aysha together and it said:


yasmeen I need to talk to you follow me so I can DM you @KhalidAlSomething


Wtf? What is wrong with him? Doesn't he know how much 3aysha loves him? I swear if he breaks her heart I will kill him. I thought about if for a long time. I'm going to follow him, see what he has to say and then unfollow him.


As if on cue as soon as I hit the follow button, bader asked "ha shitsaween?" I shivered and I think he noticed


"bs ga3da ajaweb 3ala questions on ask" I said casually


"shegoloon? etha sab o hwaaash latjawbeen haa" He said


"laa bs yes2eloon 3an my family o shnu esm ahal omee o chithee El ligafa o shitsawee" I said and he smiled.


"Agool 3ad towmisa3 chinich kintay sar7ana eb jamaly?" He teased with a wink.


"chuub 3aad lat9deg nafsk wayed" I said in a dagra tone


"afaaa?" He teased and I smiled


"enzain a6lb mnich 6alab?" He said in a serious tone which is unlike him


"sure, shtabee?" I asked


"shtabee? tathkireen el ayam el 7elwa ele kintay laman a6lb shay minich radich ekoon 'e3yunee lik yal 7lu'?" He said teasing again, now that's the bader I know


"wela 3umree gilt hal kalam" I said with a raised eyebrow


"kanat ayam 7elwa wallah" He said and I rolled my eyes


"enzain abee achouf your phone?" He said


"what? why?" I asked


"shfeech? its like you just saw a ghost bs abee at6aman" He said


"umm.. ok bs not pictures fe banat mu labseen e7jab and no dm's" I said


"I promise" He said. When I look into his eyes I feel like there's something drawing me closer to him. I needed him in my life now. He was a part of me. Even though I've always been the kind of girl to say "el rayal juz2 mn 7ayatch mu kil 7ayatch" but things have changed.


And Bader kept his promise looking only through the bbm contact list and the whatsapp list. When I took my phone from him our fingers brushed and I moved my hand even though he didn't. What is wrong with me? I have never been so intense this much with bader.


I checked my phone and Bader went over to join my other cousins. They were playing truth or dare.


I heard one of my cousins say "yallah ya Bader, truth or dare?" Fahad my naive 15 year old cousin said


"truth" Bader said


"et7b?" said my 19 year old cousin, 7essah, Haya's sister. Unlike haya, 7essa's the best.


"ee wallah ya 7e9ah a7b o ma5tha galbee killah" He said and 7essah winked at me when no one was looking. Every one can feel it. Everyone knows it deep inside that he loves me but at the time I just couldn't believe it.


I was happy. Then my phone vibrated indicating that I had a DM. It was khaled.


khalid: heyy


Yasmeen: Ana mu emsawyatlik follow 3alashan asoulf .What do you want?


Khalid: ulaa karhatnee ba3ad?, I won't hurt 3aysha if thats what you mean..


Yasmeen: 5ale9ny gool eli tabee etgoula.


That's when all my happiness disappeared.






Khalid: Yasmeen I still love you..

Welcome to reality- Chapter 30:

I think you could say this chapter is.. a bit different but other than that enjoy!

-

Flipping over the test realizing that I have half a page left and a bonus question. Since it was multiple choice and it was easy I finished 10 minutes before the bell rings. 

As I handed in my test I took out a blank sheet of paper and a pencil writing my endless list of home works I needed to do over the extended weekend. 

Since parent-teacher days are tomorrow and the day after we don't need to go to school for Wednesday and Thursday. My parents don't go anyways so I have the days off.

The bell rang and I was the first to leave the class room, I couldn't be more relieved. I breathed out, never really realizing that I held my breath. 

I approached Aysha, one of my friend's, lockers. She was reading something and obviously distracted.

"3awash" I said, she just nodded her head.

"I know you know ina esmch 3aysha bs reday 3alay" She just smiled at me. I remember when she used to tell me every thing. The good old days. I peeked into her locker and she was reading a letter.

I took it from her and ran away. I am such a child and bipolar. Yesterday I was deep i depression and now I'm acting like a kid. 

"yasmeen" 3aysha yelled out which was weird because she's one of the shy ones that like to blend in not shine out.

"yasmeena, yallah 3ad" She said loudly. I gave up not because I can't run away from her which I can but because I respected her secrets.

She gave me an evil look, she started walking away when i called out "hey, 3awash benrou7 360 elyoum yayah?" I said, She's been kind of distant lately. It's like we haven't hung out in ages!


"laa elyoum I promised ena ba6la3 ma3a ahaly" She said while looking at the ground, it looks like she really wanted to come.


"akeed?" I asked again, She nodded her head.


She walked away, I've known her for such a long time. I know there's something bothering her. I also know her well enough to also know that if people ask her what's wrong bet3a9eb o etsawee filim hindi.


I left campus, we have lunch at my grandmother's every Thursday. I hoped to see bader.


while I was in the car I BBM'ed him.


Yasmeen: hey, betyee elyoum? :p


Bader: no, 3endee a lesson 


Yasmeen: ohh, okay :(


Bader: laish za3lana? la'ana ma ra7 etchoufeen 7abeebch? ;)


Yasmeen: god, bader you're such a dreamer.cheesyy=))


Bader: shnu el ensan doesn't hope ena 7abeebta misses him:(


Yasmeen: have fun at your lesson "7abeeby" :p


Bader: now you're making fun of me-.-


Yasmeen: laaaaaa, kilish! men gal?


Bader: et9adgeen 3ala how mean you act, My love for you is so deep that the ocean would be jealous.


I blushed, at que I arrived at my grandmother's house. In my school uniform hoping my nanny didn't bring the oldest thing in my closet.


I said hi to everyone and we all ate lunch, thankfully my nanny brought me shorts and an Abercrombie shirt. It's more like something I would wear at the chalet but I didn't say anything.


Sula picked me up at 5 and because she was too lazy to go all the way to yarmouk to get my clothes. She let me borrow a cute dress of hers. And we stayed at her place for like an hour and a half playing truth or dare


"okay truth" I said, She nodded eagerly.


"shfeeha 3awash?" I asked, Sula and awasha are now really close.


"oh, look its 7:30 ta'a5arna" She said trying to change the subject.


"goolay" I said while standing up


"ok, she's with a guy and she's finally happy that's all i can say" She said, and I smiled even though I know it's wrong I was happy for her.


When we finally got to 360 Deema & Farah were shopping. It's nice to see that they were bonding.


"yalla 5anrou7, mshtahya B + F" Farah said.


We made our way down passing CR and something caught my eye.





It was khaled.





holding hands with 3aysha.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 29:

The end of the year was approaching, just 3 months left until it's over. I can't wait until its over. This year has been one hell of a year. 


Last year everything was simpler, I was a child. Its crazy how much things can change in one year.


Bader has been lavishing me with gifts that I don't need. I love them, I can't deny that but its getting overboard. I mean every 2-3 weeks or so he would go something breathtaking. 


wayed 3ayesh il dour :p It's almost too good to be true. Like it's not real. Like he he wouldn't love me anymore.


They have always been my biggest fears acceptance & denial. I always thought  was never good enough for anyone.


If someone told me I looked pretty, I'd tell tell for sure that they were lying but now that bader's come along. I started accepting compliments like that in my mind.


My obsession over my weight has gotten more & more by the second. From checking my weight every month to checking it every week now I check my weight everyday.


From eating three more than balanced meals with snacks to eating two meals a day with snacks now I eat barely one meal a day which my parents almost force me to, it front of them.


My face has become paler and there's barely any fat on my body, my collar bones have become deeper. You know the expression, all skin & bones? yeah that's me now. Its actually become addictive.


Week after week I change & loose wight, Its gotten to the point that its become not healthy anymore. so, with a hard decision and I eventually stopped but it was never the same.


Whenever someone comments about my weight I stay up at night crying.


The worst kind of cry is the silent cry.


That cry when everyone is asleep.


The one when you feel it in your throat, and your eyes become blurry from the tears.


The one when you just want to scream.


I just hate it when someone talks about my flaws and I have to act like I don't care when actually it kills me inside.


My life has gotten beyond depression. For no reason.


I cry more.


I care less.


I hate more.


I love less.


I go out less.


& the list goes on..


Did you ever think that there was something was wrong with you? I threw the thought away as the sound of the alarm started indicating that I should prepare for yet another "joyful" day at school.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 28:

Sitting on that bench counting as much starts as we can became a weekly thing.


That day was special it was just like the first day, every time we would joke around.


But this time we were deep in silence. Although the silence that was comfortable.


I was thinking of my family and how differently they've treated me since I got out of the hospital but It was in a good way and god knows what he was thinking about.


A sudden breeze swept through us, although the middle of April the breezes are cold. Very strange for kuwaiti weather.


I shivered and like what you see in movies, he took his jacket off and gently placed it around me like I was a priceless jewel that should be handled with care. I love that feeling.


As the sun rose that was our Que to go inside but neither of us left.


I broke the silence by saying "bader, feek shay?"


He looked surprised, don't know why. He's weird. He just smiled and gave me a hug.


You know one of those rare genuine hugs you get? The ones that make you want to break out and at the same time forget everything. Yeah, it was like that. I don't know why I did what I did but I started crying.


He wouldn't ask me what's wrong because there was nothing wrong and he knows it. I just needed a good cry. Sometimes there's nothing wrong but all you need was a good cry.


After I was done I moved away and he held my face and looked into my eyes where I could see a reflection of myself in his eyes. Then he kissed my forehead and said "I love you."


"mm ok" I said while he chuckled because I told him not to get used to is and he moved into a sideways half-hug, at 4 am the color of the sky and the sea were almost the same.


Even if you look far away behind the sea, you can't see the line of difference between the colors.


"3ajeeb il veiw" I said gazing at the clouds and how just half an hour ago the sky was dark and filled with stars.


"ee wayed 7lu" He said but he wasn't looking at the sky & sea, he was staring at me. How cheesy can he get? He's like a chuck bass bes kuwaiti version with the way he talks and I found out he reads books in his free time! That's unusual for a guy. Especially a kuwaiti guy.


"badsh da5l" I said as I stood up and took off his jacket.


"5alee ma3ach thikra, 3alashan talbiseena bl madrissa o tethakirany o eygouleen 7ag rab3ch enich etmouteen 3alay" He said ib kel thi8a


"chub 3aad" I said and he gave me a wink


"eljamaal killah, beautiful not hot. Hot is a temperature not a compliment" He called out


"I taught you well" I said holding the door and he laughed.


I went to my room and read my book The Kite Runner at 9 am after I slept a little someone knocked on my door.

"tefathal-ay" I said and Remas came in. She was smiling like a really happy smile.


"haa, ebtisama shaga il wayh?" I said while wiggling my eyebrows at her.


"okaay chuub" She said, I just laughed.


"shlonich yas?" she said, weird.


"umm zaina" I said raising one eyebrow


"okaay bagoulch shay" Remas said eagerly.


"goolay" I said, sitting up straight.


"wa7ed ya ya56bny" She said.


"o how is he different?" I said not really seeing the point


"doctor fayez al- x tethakiraina?" She said


"a5eeran" I said.


"ya bgara shnu a5eeran ma gilt ee" She said


"yawailich etha ma giltay ee la'ana i've seen the way he looked at you, I did faint but I'm not retarded. He also doesn't smoke, what more do you want" I said























She hugged me and that was her happily ever after.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 27:

I've been getting a lot more texts from the unknown number about my private life, 7aail e5tera3t.


One Thursday we were all having a movie night at sherifa's house. We were sitting in her basement on the floor figuring out what movie we should pick while Deema was on the phone with the guys from baking tray asking him why out order was 2 minutes late:/ 9j etfashel-.-


"abaay fe a7ad unknown number ga3d edizly creepy texts o eb the last text kan mobd3. Wait 5aloony a6le3 my phone agralikum eyaa" I took out my phone.


"awal shay gal 'keef il 7al ya 7elwa? I was hoping to go out with you or I'll tell everyone something private about you ba3dain 7a6 smiley face almohalab @ 6 thursday the 18th ya3nee elyoum chan egoul adree 3indch plans bes cancel I'm worth it eshyabee hathe" I said and suddenly everyone burst out in laughter


"yal bugar" I said finally realizing that they pulled a prank on me.


"yal 9aaaaaaidaa" Farah said & she and sula high-fived which was weird because I knew they hated each other. wow.


ba3d litrelly 10 minutes they stopped laughing


I ate soooo much that day mcdonals/ johnny rockets/ cookies/ brownies/ ice-cream ma buga shay ma kalaina. I felt so fat:(


reja3t el bait, wela kil 5alaty o 5alee mowjooden.


"hallah bel zaain killaah wel jamaal killa" 5alti ghalia said, she's 24 years old and recently engaged and she just finished college and is a doctor.


"haha, mashkouraa wallah ma7ad ajmal minch o 9adgeeny" I said with a smile


She's my role model, achieved her dream job and is getting married to her dream man and is going to live in a huge house with a pool. I've always imagined my future to be somewhat like hers.


"hallaa yasmeen, 3asach ib khair?" 5alee ahmad, the youngest out of my mother's family and is also considered "the rebel" of our family, he's 23, he's always been the funny one.


"7amdella ib khair" I replied


He talks to me about his favorite books and how I should get better grades and every time he inspires me because he's studying in london and he's always that deep and open-minded about things I go through.


"halla bel 7elwa" 5alti so3aad, my 32 year old aunt said. you know when there's always that one family member you've never really connected with? yeah that's my aunt.


"hala 5alti so3aad" I said back


 Although she tries, sometimes she's mean but don't get me wrong she's my aunt and I love her to death but we just don't talk. we don't have that aunt/ niece relationship that I have with my other aunt and uncle. But I love them all.


o salam 3ala umy o 7abait'ha 3ala ras'ha and I started talking with my family. I haven't seen them in weeks!


"ha, yasmeen shlon madrisa?" 5alee ahmad asked


"zaina el7amdella" I said with a sigh


"etha tabeeny asa3dch goleely ha?" He said with a smile


"laish ballah 3alashan a9g6?" I said and they all laughed


"yasmeeno" 5alti ghalia said, she knows I hate it when people call me that bs 6awaft'ha.


"hala?" I asked


"m7lawa yal kabla" She said, you see why? she is the kind of person that would start and end a conversation with a compliment.


"haha, mashkouuura" I said with the biggest smile


"bs matnanaa! laish?" 5alti so3aad said, I know kanat ga3da et6aferny bs I'm too sensitive.


I swallowed my tears and said "laa 7asafaa"


After an hour of chatting with my aunts, my uncle and my mother about my day/school/life/books I've read I went to my room. I re-activated ask.fm and I tweeted my link because I was bored.


My questions started rolling in.. Allah yaster I thought.


tra uve gtten fat ;$


I love you!


yal ga*ba


I bet when you look at your self in the mirror you see A pretty person but everyone see's someone FATT!


You eat sooo much! ana ma akel hal kither


I went into the bathroom to wash off my eyeliner, then I remembered a book I read about a fat girl that people call on her and through out the summer she would starve her self and make her self throw up but she lost 20 pounds.


I wish I could loose 20 pounds, I wonder If it works trying to make yourself throw up.


















So I tried it, I felt dizzy after but I felt so good. That feeling when you think you're finally getting thinner. finally.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 26:

School sucks, I really hate it. Waking up at 6 a.m and facing dull, lifeless people. Another typical school day.


In English class I sat in the back and I was so bored of the teacher's speech about Shakespeare I made a list of pro's and con's of this year. Seriously who cares what Shakespeare wrote? And where he lived? That guy's dead and they're still moaning over him.


The bad things that happened this year:  I started to write on the piece of paper



1. Me and bader got into a fight when he found out about khaled


2. towafa yadee


3. Bader 3enda heart disease


4. Farah smoked weed


5. Farah's parents are getting a divorce


6. Haya threatened to expose me and bader


7. Remas ma gamat tethq feeny mithel il awal


& the list goes on..



the good things that happened this year: 



1. I met Farah


2. I found out what falling in love really feels like. Finally understanding why people would risk anything for true love.


3. Being with my one and only love


4. -


I stopped at four, I was blank headed. I can't believe this it's been one hell of a school year and we're only half way through school. This semester has been one thing terrible.


The bell rang. It was lunch.


As I was approaching the tree where most of my friends sat everyday with deema, I heard the twins Aljawhara and Jazi talk about me so I pretended to talk to deema to hear what they were saying. Deema understood.


"Ambaaay a9lan 7ail ta'3ayirat!" I heard Jazi say.


"uff awal kanat 7aail hyper o full of life bes al7een chinha emo" Aljawhara said


"lezmay e7doudch" sula said defensively. I. love. her.


"wallah ana ga3da agoul el9ij a9lan 9ayra 7al'ha 7al il 6oufa a5af etkalem-" Aljawhara got cut off by 3aysha


"sem3ay jawhara, entay matadreen shnu 5o9oo9iyat'ha o entay mo ga3da ma3aha bel bait. A9lan entay mat3arfeen yasmeen! fa malch 7ag tetkalimain 3anha chithee!" 3aysha said loudly


Then my silent friend finally spoke "A9lan yasmeen is the strongest women I know o intow il ethnain malkum 7ag tetkalimoun 3anha la'ankum ma ra7 to9loun nu9 ow 7atan rube3 karamat'ha, combined. La' yasmeen matkalem last I heard intow akbar sluts bel madrissa" Sherifa said with a bitch-y smile towards the twins and they stopped of angrily.


As they walked away Farah extended her middle finger at them both. No words can describe the love I have for my friends! Aljawhara and Jazi chinhum Haya, bitch-y and have no life.


I went over and gave each and everyone one of them a hug, I really love them. Then I took out my pillow (yes, I bring a pillow with me to school) and put it on sherifa's lap and laid down on it.


"sharouf amout 3alaich, yal kalba 6ila3 3endch elsaan" I said to her with a wink.


"haa 3ayaal etha ma adafe3 3anich 3ayal adafe3 3an mnu!" She said, LOL I love them!


I took out my phone, just them I got a text message from an unknown number. The same number I got from the beginning of the year.











Unknown number: Your friends are too cute! I bet they don't know you as much as they think they do LOL 

Welcome to reality- Chapter 25:

It's night time and this is the first night I've spent alone, at home I mean. My parents both went on business trips that are urgent. Unsure at first but Remas assured them that I will be fine and properly taken care of.


 As soon as we got home Remas looked through every corner of my room and found every pack I hid and Farah promised Remas that she wouldn't lend me any. So now I have to learn to live without them.


I have also decided to deactivate Ask.fm since it is now filled with negativity about me and what I do and what I wear.


As I got tucked into bed as usual I started over thinking. Every one was treating my like a child. Reckless and a naive little kid. I got a BBM.


Bader: wainich?


Yasmeen: where do you think I would probably be at 1 a.m ya3nee?


Bader: Shdaranee, 6il3ay 3ala your balcony.


Yasmeen: laish? latkoun bit93ad 3ala my balcony. 7arakat Romeo ana ma a7ibha -.-


Bader: LOL madree shasawee feech, intay bes rou7ay.


I wore baggy pants and A hoodie over my pajama's. what has that boy done now?  I thought to myself.


On my table outside there was a bouquet of white roses. how did he know they were my favorite kind of flower? 


A piece of paper attached to a turquoise Tiffany & co. box. On the paper was one sentence that said




"You & Only you hold the key to my heart" Hopelessly romantic as he can be this was the happiest moment of my life and until now I will never forget how happy I was. That was also the first time I cried tears of Joy.


When I opened the box there was a long silver key. I also wanted one but never got the chance to buy one. It was like he read my mind. I never even mentioned that I wanted one.


I BBM'd him because no way was I going to call him, I was not that kind of girl.


Yasmeen: No words can describe how happy I am in this moment, I actually cried tears of joy. Walla mu ga3da ajamlik, I love the present but I loved the bouquet more. That love I have for white roses is endless :D The love I have for you is endless. Thank you very much and there's nothing anyone can do to break us apart. I can't wait for the day that you be mine. LOL chessy-ness overload :p again thank you! I love you:*


I turned my phone off before he can reply to my bbm. I think I was a little too cheesy but I don't care. I actually liked the roses more. I put my necklace on then I put the roses in a vase and filled it with water.


That moment was so worth the terrible nights at the smelly hospital. Marveling the roses and how they beamed in the dark. I spent all night appreciating this moment.







How I was the luckiest girl alive?







How this was too good to be true?

Welcome to reality- Chapter 24:

I woke up in an old, smelly hospital with my parents by my side and Remas sitting on the edge of my bed crying. What have I done? I instantly regretted it seeing Remas cry was my limit.


I opened my eyes while hearing Remas tell my mother "I'll doctor gal ina bit9eer zaina"


"chathabaa, lat gi9een 3alay" my mother said and burst into tears. I've never seen her cry and she was wearing a abaya. That was new too.


Once they realized I was awake my mother quickly gave me a long, lung-crushing hug. My dad gave me a friendly smile and Remas gave me a death stare. oh god.


My parents told me how worried they were and they were glad that I was alive. They were over exaggerating. Then my doctor came in and I remember his exact speech. I wonder if he told my parents. I don't think so "ana esme dr. fayez (he turned to my parents) 3ade akalmha ebrou7ha etha sama7tow? (my parents nodded and Remas left too, he went over to close the door) emm 7abeebty 3adeee as'al so'al? ( I nodded,he knew I thought.) entay et..da5..neen?" He finally said out.


"ee" I said, dying with fear


"Ana a3rf Remas kanat ma3ay bel jam3a o 3alashan a7b-mm a3arifha ma ra7 agoul 7ag ahalch o ana adree ena som3tch mohima fa Remas ew3datny et7l il mow'93 o I umm, trust her" He said and I couldn't help but smirk, He is seriously head over heels over Remas.


"tara may'9a7k, min9jy" He said before leaving the room.


During the day my uncles, aunts & my cousins came. Bader had an after noon tutor and when he found out he was already with the tutor. As soon as he arrived. Farah and Deema just walked in.


"umm khalty 3amee 3ade akalm yasmeen digeega ebrou7y" Farah said, They both nodded and left Bader stayed in the room so did deema.


"Yasmeen shemsawya ib nafsch?" He said and he took my hand, I can see farah making faces at deema. They can be so childish at the most serious times. Just like me sometimes. I didn't dare answer Bader's question I just looked down. Filled with guilt. Bader turned to Deema and Farah.


"mnu kan ma3aha? shnu 9ar?" He asked now he was worried.


"ana, umm (she looked at me asking for my permission to tell him, I nodded yes) kina bl old gym, She was smoking. Ana ma kint mintabha wara7a wela achouf that she smoked five umm zigayer we were ditching class o she stood up wela et6ee7 '3ashyana" She said looking at Bader, then she turned at me "laman 6i7tay rashait 3ala your clothes perfume o da5l 7aljch breath mint o ga3adtch 3ala il bench ele yam il cafeteria o nadait il nurse, giltlaha we came together o min the gate kan maftou7 min wara 3alashan chithee you didn't sign your name bs giltlaha ana ri7t digeega to sign laman rija3t wela 6i7tay '3ashyana. A9lan ma kanat tadree shnu feech o I called Remas o bs" She said and let out a sigh.


Before Bader could comment, I heard the door creek and I turned to Deema because only she could see the door "h-a-y-a" she mouthed


Bader moved away and said in a quiet voice "yaraby hathee eshtabee? lazgaa etmout 3alaina" I laughed at his comment, It made my day. He made my day. 

Welcome to reality- Chapter 23:

Before I start the chapter I've been told by my friends that their younger sisters (9-12) have been reading my blog. Ana ma an9a7kum ina you do. The things I did were wrong o ana 9ara7atan ma afte5er ib ely sawaita bes ba'3ait agolokum hal sha'3la o ana ma ag9b ay a7ad 3ala ay shay bes hathe bes na9ee7a meny. Lawsama7tow e5thoha hal na9ee7a.






Just the sound of the alarm in the morning indicating that there's school instantly gave me a headache. I thought about hitting the snooze button one more time but I was already late. Not that I cared but my mother's going to flip out if she wakes up and realizes that i'm here and not in school..


Knowing by the time I reached school first period would be over. Knowing mr.simms would throw a fit next time he sees me but whatever. I went over to my shoe closet I took out a packet from my locked drawer. Right as I arrived Farah bbm'ed me


Farah: staying at the gym for second and third period, join?  She's been ditching all the time now that her parents are getting a divorce.


Yasmeen: ok, 10.


I came into school without singing my name. Our secretary likes me so she said nothing. I saw The principal and she smiled at me and I smiled back. 9ayda I thought masaw3ibat that I was heading towars the old gym.


I entered the the old gym and dropped my bag next to farah. I took out my pack and took out one.


"3endch wala3a?" I asked her, she just looked at me with a smirk as I sat next to her and handed me a lighter.


She knew that weed was off limits and she's not smoking weed anymore, that's good enough for now and I can't tell her to stop smoking zigayer because I would be the biggest hypocrite alive.


I got a bbm from him, bader.


Bader: shlon el 7elwa elyoum.


I blushed and I can see Farah wiggling her eyebrows at me and I laughed.


Yasmeen: zaina, you?


This has been happening everyday since that day at the chalet. That's what I call magic.


Bader: dam ena wardity (referring to my name as in the flower) zaina shlon ana ma akoun zain? 


Yasmeen: wai3 dudee, wtf? shno ism warda I sound like an old lady!


Bader: LOOOL A very lovely one, yalla pay attention in class. 


He always was the smart one out, Everyone thinks that he would turn out to be a Doctor or something. I never thought I could be one. Even though It was my dream no one ever believed in me but he did. He always told me "etha you don't believe in yourself, you'll never achieve anything in your life" Then I'd make fun of him for sounding like justin bieber (no offence to his fans).


I instantly thought of "what Bader would think?" He wouldn't like it and he'd would have wanted me to be a better person but after the hate I get on ask.fm I can't take it anymore.


I smoked one.


two.


three.


four.


five.



I never smoked this much but I felt okay. A little dizzy but fine, I had biology next period I can't miss that.







I stood up and the last thing I remembered was my body thudding against the wooden floor of the school gym and farah calling my name begging me to wake up.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 22:

I was so confused about who I am.
I was so confused about who I want to be.
I was so confused about the person I am.
I was so confused about being considered a good person.
I was so confused about how people think of me.
I was so confused about whether I was considered thin enough.
I was so confused about my life.
I was so confused about what would happen between me and Bader
I was so confused about whether Farah is going to die.
I was so confused about everything.


These are the thoughts that rampage through my hear at the peak of dawn when insomnia strikes. So I decided to go on a stroll through the sleepless nights at that chalet.


I decided to change, in case I saw anyone. How awkward would it be If I saw my cousins when I was in my pajamas's. So I wore my navy blue abercrombie & fitch sweat pants and a sleeveless floral shirt. Kan shaklee filim, 7ail emraga3 because it was the first thing I found in my closet.


I went downstairs with my Ipod so I can have a jog on the beach hoping anyone wouldn't see me like this especially Bader. Surely enough like he was reading my exact thoughts as I sprung open the porch's door and there he was sitting on the white swing/bench that was handing from the sealing.


He was just sitting there thinking, staring deep onto the ocean and I was looking at him partly embarrassed of what I was wearing. I tries sneaking inside to change but just as I turned around He saw me, no turning back now.


"yasmeen?" Bader asked like he was surprised to see me awake, I just smiled at the way he said my name. It gave goosebumps all over my body, I love how his voice was so tough and smooth at the same time.


"shemga3dch?" He asked curiously and patted to the empty seat next to him indicating I have a seat.


"insomnia" I said, that was a lie. I hate lying to bader but it's to protect him. The thing is I wait until it's 4 A.M so I can start smoking because I would know everyone's asleep.


"ta3alay 5anil3ab li3ba" He said and I nodded my head in agreement and sat next to him. Now I know what he was staring at. The stars, It was simply breath-taking how even through there was visible sun rays that hit the sea the starts still shine. Only a small part of the sun had rosin though.


"the game" Bader said and interrupted my train of thoughts.


"ee goul" I said, not really up to a game but I don't want to let him down.


"mu l3ba 9ejiya bs it's something Russell crow did ib a movie mara. I'll give you a shape and you'd find it among the  starts, ana awal 3a6ene shape" He said over-enthusiastically.


"amlag li3ba" I said whingeing "ok, circle" I said as I finally decided.


He took my index finger between his hands, I like the game already. I hate how I'm so comfortable with him, like he can do anything and I would still be okay with it.


He pointed at the start of one star and to the last one making a huge circle, I gave him that smug look I have like 'zaaain minik' I knew he understood.


We continued to play the game for 20 minutes and now it wasn't anyone's turn we were just talking about everything.


He took my finger and I protested "heeeey! douree"


"I can't let this slip by, sorry" He said like it was really important.


He fingers went star to star until it made a big heart.


He stroked my hair between his fingers behind my ear. "you're to beautiful" He said, I just looked away like he has no Idea how ugly I feel sometimes I smiled shyly.


"3adee as'al so'al" He said


"you already did" I said with a smirk, He let out a chuckle


"laish ana?" He said, I was confused.


"ma fahamt" I said.


"kintay tigdireen atnageen ay wa7ed tabeen enshallah lu uhwa American. Shma3na ana? Shnu I'll '3air ily feeny" He said trying to explain his question.


I stood up, I wanted to leave. If I stay something is going to happen.


"gouleely" He said while gripping my hand lightly.


While standing I said "kilshay feek '3air wela 3umre a7ad gale nu9 il kalam ily giltlyaa wela 3umree chift a7ad e6ali3ny bel na'9ra ely inta et6ale3ny feeha"


"koush jawaab yal gumar" He said and he kissed my hand. I felt like a princess and I walked in and off to my room with the biggest smile.


I checked my ask.fm before I went to sleep and that was the worst decision I made.


"One question"


yal sl*t(bel 3arabee- fihmoha 3ad)



















I slept that night crying thinking that am really? Is that what people think of me? I woke up with a headache from crying. I felt helpless and a bad person, no one understands. 

Welcome to reality- Chapter 21:

"testahbilain intay? tadreen shnu weed?" I started my speech I was giving farah furiously.


She just glanced at me, not really caring. How can she be so careless that she's killing herself? I am such a hypocrite myself.


"weed yad3nee drugs. I'm going to give a list awal shay 7araaaam, thaniyan tadreen it can kill you, mu slowly nafs zigayer. You could be dead in a year, o ba3dain shnu? ra7 tandimeen farah. Thalithan Any drugs whatsoever are illegal in kuwait. Sim3ay farah I know et7ibeen etkouneen rebel o madree shnu, bes this is not rebellious ma ga3ada et'9ireen ay a7ad ila nafsch o ma7ad thanee o mu bes? 5alaa9 there's this limit in life and you just crossed it o fee mathal egoul fall down seven times, stand up eight" I gave this insanely long speech, She raised her eyebrows.


"ya3nee you've never done anything illegal or 7araam or that could kill you? You smoke. That's all three love." She said, I ignored what she said even though I know its true.


"sim3ay ya ina you don't do it again wela ana bagoul 7ag umch" I said, I don't think ina zain ahadidha what what other way is there?


"fuck you, I don't need this" she said and left the bathroom, she walked across her marble floor to her elegant black and white bed. Wow. We'd always curse each other but never really mean it. Now I know she meant it.


Whoever says "sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt" is obviously wrong and hasn't lived in the harsh society we live in society, ugh if it weren't for this fu*ked up world, never at peace.


"you know I love you faroo7 o tadreen ina killa 7ag ma9la7tch. Ana masawait chithee ila 3alashan a7bch" I said


"adree, shbasawee bigounch? yalla 5an rou7" She said with her pale and depressed face, She looked so tired.


"akeed tabeen etrou7een?" I asked very considerd


"ee" She said seeming determined.


"cham puff khathaitay" I asked


"one laish?" She said


"every puff is one hour, so we'll wait 30 mins ba3dain 3ala ma nou9al ila 5ala9 one hour" I said, and Farah raised her eyebrows


"wentay shdaraach?" She asked curiously


"google, yallah goumay badlay" I said


She changed into the outfit I laid out for her with matching gold gladiator sandals. She but on some concealer, eyeliner and mascara & we sat there waiting for the half-an-hour. And our overactive imagination started to get a little wild when over thinking took over.


I don't like memories
because the tears come easily,
and once I break my promise
to myself for this day It's a constant battle.
A war between remembering and forgetting.
So I won the battle but I lost the war.



I want to skip school for a couple weeks.
I want to shut my phone off and not log into a computer.
I want to see if anyone will ask me on twitter or text me.
I want to see if anyone would care where I was.
I want to see if anyone notices If I'm gone.
Only a few people care, the rest are just curious.


I'm awkward.
I smile a lot.
I trust people I shouldn't.
I'm quiet at times.
I get w I get left out.
I like to be able to be myself.
I try to be prettier but give up a lot.
I've been hurt.
I don't like my appearance at times.
I'm not perfect.

my over-thinking got too over.

-

"halaaa bel 7elween" my grandmother greeted me and Farah happily.


"hala mama 9afya, shlonich?" I said and Farah greeted her too. We said out hello's to everyone and I asked my mother


"mama wain kilman?"


"dakhel il 9aloun" My mother replied looking down at her phone. salamt 3alaiha wela 6alat ib wayhe, ugh she hates me


"mashkoura yuma, weyed 3a6aiteeny wayh" I said with rage and fury and walked away. I walked into the 9aloon (which is like a big room for esteqbal)


Dashait 3ala kil my cousins emba96een ga3deen 7a6eenluhm 9ma6 o ga3deen yakloun 3al al'9.


"sh'hal ynoun ele ga3deen etsawoona? fee shay esma 6awla!" I said on top of their voices


"ee el7amdellah 7atan e7na eb5air" Salem, Bader's younger, said


"ya3nee damk khafeef ma3a il wayh" I shot back.


"wallah lu mama 9afya tadree, tithba7kum" I said, ma7ad rad 3alay


I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket indicating that I had a bbm.


"ta7giroun ha?" I asked, kilman mendimij bel machboos, esta'3farallah but it grossed me out bes Farah eg3idat takel yamhum china wa7ed min il rabe3.


I took my phone out, one bbm from Bader.


Bader: 7ubch already gatilny. That's when I said mama 9afya bitithba7hum, love how he sweet talks me but I ignored the bbm. I'm so not the lovey-dovey type.


Bader: matadreen shitsaween feeny laman ti7gereeny, akh ya galbe 


Yasmeen: chub yallah 3ad lat 9eer 3ayar


Bader: LOOOOL khalech chithee 7ag ile e'3azlounich mu 7ag 7abeebch


I was going to reply laman sima3t a7ad eyebeb foug. I quickly went to see what was going on.


I saw this girl wearing hijab, her back was to me. When she turned around my face went pale yellow. She had that even smirk on her face.



























Haya ti7ajibat.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 20:

weeks passed and everything went back to normal o ma gimna enshouf Haya at all, The last time I saw her was at the chalet. She even deactivated her ask.fm, her twitter account and her instagram.


Me and Bader's relationship has never been better, The occasional fights that don't last for an hour or so..


I woke up to the sound of bird's chirping. It's like music to my ears. I quickly took out a book from the table next to my bed It's called the perks of being a wallflower I really love it!


Today's Friday, yadetee emsawya zwara ib bait'ha. I invited Farah to come with me because she's been having family problems, Her parents are getting a divorce. She only told me, I would have invited the rest of the girls but friday's family zwaras 3indihum and I would not want to disturb.


Bru7hum my family thinks I go out a lot fa ilyoum ma ra7 ni6la3 elyoum. Going to be a chill day with farah. I want to be there for her. I know her depression is taking over, She's been smoking a lot more than usual. I'm worried about her.


I felt my phone vibrate, I was sitting on it. I fell asleep texting Bader, God I sound so cheesy.


Farah: Tara ana mu yahel


Farah: I can take care of myself  


Farah: Yasmeen wainich you said 12 its 12:30


Farah: it's one 7abeebty goumay


Farah: Answer your phone!!!!!!!!!!


Farah: answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


PING!!!


PING!!!


PING!!!


And 17 missed calls shefukny minha al7een, Tow il naas. I peeked at my clock wella it's 2. I got up as fast As I could and changed into a cute summer-ish dress. It was hot outside but not summer hot, even in the winter break I got a tan. Koush jaw wallah.


I called my driver and told him to come and start the engine now. I applied eyeliner, mascara and a little concealer under my eyes. I need to sleep more.


I got into the car o ma wi9alt gabl 5 mins el7amdellah et3eesh ib nafs my block. I came to a stop to a huge and modern house, with swings outside o shakel il bait mat3oub 3alaih. I've always admired her house. The house looks huge for no one to live in just Farah and her soon-to-be divorced parents


Yasmeen: ana barah yallah na6ra. 


6ab3an ezra3atny 3ind bab baitha, so I checked Ask.fm. One "question" they were never questions always insults.


A3arf srch intay o Bader, if you don't do what I say. Bagoul 7ag Remas -H


Maskeena. 3abalha bithadidny.


Farah dashat Il sayara, wearing all black. I deleted the question 3ala 6oul, I had more important issues. Her headphone's blasting with Lana Del Rey's Dark paradise. oh, no.


All my friends tell me I should move on
I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song
Ahhh, that's how you sang it
Loving you forever, can't be wrong
Even though you're not here, won't move on
Ahhh, that's how we played it

And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead

Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side

All my friends ask me why I stay strong
Tell 'em when you find true love it lives on
Ahhh, that's why I stay here

And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead

Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you

But that there's no you, except in my dreams tonight,
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight.


mabee a9eer judemental bes chinha emo.


"en6ir one minute" I told my driver


I opened the door and shoved Farah out.

"a77, shfeech maynouna?" Farah said almost yelling


"ana maynouna? entay shnu labsa!" Now I was yelling bs 7adeegat'ha imsakira fa maku neighbors yismi3oun.


"ta3alay" I grabbed her arm and took her inside.


"wain darich?" I asked, she shook her arm from my grip and walked the marble satires towards her room.


I rampaged her closet and found a suitable pair of floral pants and a white sleeveless shirt. I gave the outfit to her. "libseehum" I ordered. I know she hates me, I'm acting like a mother but It's for her best.

She took the outfit and went to the bathroom, I waited 7awaly 10 minutes.


I knocked the door "Farah" I said

she didn't answer.

"Faraah" I said louder and knocked on the door.

she still didn't answer

"Faraah bafich il baad" I said

"Dishay" She said.

Unchanged, sitting on the tiled floor smoking. She looks so dead.

"shakla mu zigayer" I said with disgust 

















"It's not, It's weed" Farah said

Welcome to reality- Chapter 19:

It was farah, khare3atny.


"mnu tan6ereen?" she asked again, just when she asked Bader showed up with a smile. Bismillah Towa em3a9eb. Bipolar much?


"ana barou7" Farah said with a smirk on her face. "be nice to her" Farah also said when she was leaving. The love I have for this overprotective girl is endless. I mean I love Deema to death but she's not supportive of anything I do. Always having second thoughts, But Farah she really understands me and what going on in my life. She's a tough girl, Deema, but she's way too traditional.


"shlon el7ub?" He asked as he came closer and put his arm around my back.


"umm.. la'" I said and moved away but took his hand instead. "zaina" I said with a smile and sat on the old swing while he sat to the one next to me. I wanted to stay here and just talk. About everything. About nothing too.


"shfeech?" He asked because he knew it was unlikely that I called him out here just to talk


"mafeeny shay kan shaklik im3a9b and I wanted to tell you tara I'm here If you ever need to talk to anyone, I can be your friend and help you with whatever that's happening" I said but he kept his eyes on the ground. I put my finger under his chin so he lifts his head up and he kissed that finger.


"bala ma9khara, 7arakat Romeo ma tamshee ma3ay" I said and he chuckled.


I looked into his eyes and I just got lost. He was hiding something. You see Bader's the type of person that's always happy and always wants to see everyone around him happy and laughing. Tries to cheer everyone up. I love that about him.


"laysh kint im3a9eb?" I asked, annoyed that he tried to change the subject.


"laa walashay a7ad emnarfizny" He said


"mnu?" I asked


"la khala9 entaha il mow'9oo3" He said


"abee a3arf mnu?" I asked again, He knew that I wouldn't stop until he told me


"haya enzain?" He said mitnarfiz


"haya? shnu galat?" I said, now i was angry.


"bas 5ala9 yasmeen falat" He said


"goul" I insisted


"Haya 2lfat 3anch salfa bs darait ina kanat ga3da etchatheb" Bader said


"oh, okay" I said


"matabeen et3arfeen shnu?" He asked surprised that I didn't want to know


"adree, ehya sawatha mu ana o darat eny chiftha fa tinarfizat o galat lik ely saweta bs galat ana sawaita instead bs enta tadree 6oul il youm kint ma3a farah o deema" I said


"gilt 7ag mohammad (her brother)" He said while his head at the floor


"shnu??" I said with my eyes wide open with shock


"3alashan et3arf ma et6ale3 3anch 7achee" Bader said


"min9ijk?" I asked again, still surprised at bader. He used be the one that never wanted problems


"ee wallah. Ma7ad beyid5al baina mara thanya. A3alimha, allah yaster 3alaiha bs. O ana ma7ad ra7 yitkalam ow ya'3l6 3ala murty bel mostaqbal. Entay 6ab3an." He said, I blushed and looked at the floor. I was too shy.


"umm, yalah 5an dish dakhel?" I suggested


"shda3wa tisti7een ana bag3d shway, gamta dakhel." He said


"chub yallah" I said then I was going to walk away.


But Bader grabbed my hand lightly and said "I love you"



























I finally got the courage to say it back "I love you too" I smiled and blushed and walked inside quickly before he could respond

Welcome to reality- Chapter 18:

Disgusting. Shlon titjara' itsawee shay chithee? 3aib. ma tist7ee? It's not that she hung out with a boy, It's that she kissed him. wain ga3deen? I know farah and deema saw her but didn't say a word. They kept glancing at each other and didn't find the right words to say.


Rija3na il chalet and we sat outside in balcony while watching all my cousins and uncles BBQ'ing. I saw a tall figure coming from behind as I watched the shadow came closer and closer.


Until I realized it was Haya, she sat in a corner next to farah. Farah was sitting next to me. I was bored so I checked my ask.fm. I got question, hate talks and rare compliments.


you're so nice and genuine.


you make me sick. disgusting person.


I heard you were a bad person to be friends with!:o


really pretty but you use it for advantage:p 


WTF are you friends w/ Farah! bitkharbch. I showed it to farah


"Haters keep on hatin' 'cause they're jelouuus plus intay mikhtarba when I met you" I laughed at her respond. Etha ana Lu ta'athart wayeed. The thing is my friends are so care-free. They easily forgive and forget about the past. The look at life positively and they think every day is a new day.


 On the other side I am bipolar and I'm always depressed and lonely. I don't easily forgive except rarely for the people I know the best. Never have I been positive. I always look at the down side of things.


Then one question popped up and it was asked one minute ago.


yal slut. Laysh short hal gi9r? I read the "question", I looked up and Haya gave me that evil smirk of hers. I wasn't going to say anything about what I saw bs yabeta 7ag nafsha. For a moment I had this weird adrenaline rush. It was unlike me.


When someone jokes or stays anonymous while talking about my insecurities and I have to act like it doesn't bother me. Well It does and I'm sick of people talking about the things I wear or what I say or If I've lost or gained weight


I went and sat on haya's other side and whispered in her ears "ana il slut ha? yalee matisti7een 3ala wayhch itgouleely slut and how Ironic is it that you've just been kissing a guy out in the open desert" I said and sat back in my seat and she stomped away furiously.


"shnu gelteelaha" Deema asked me curiously and farah turned to face me to hear my answer. I showed them the question and told them what I told her.


"slut ib3ainha, how Ironic is it that the only slut in the room is her?" Farah said bursting with anger.


A bunch of my cousins walked in and with them Bader.


"salaam 3alaikum" They all said "wa3alaikum il salaam"


All the guys faces were glued to their phones, I was just watching them. So bored waiting for my food.


All the guys and the girls were smiling at their phone screens. Its obviously a joke that was broadcasted or tweeted. Until bader's face changed completely from smiling to furious. Shfeeh?


Yasmeen: shfeek?


Bader: madree shfeeny! intay gooleely?


Yasmeen: shnu ga9dik? ish9ayer?


Bader: maku shay tabeen itgooleely?


Yasmeen: nothing in particular.


Bader: Mhhm.. okay


Yasmeen: shfeek im3a9b?


Bader: mu im3a9b min gal?


Yasmeen: faj'a gilab wayhik


Bader: mu lazim akoum mistanis all the time.


Yasmeen: okay I didn't know what else to say.



Bader: ok?


Yasmeen: tell me what's bothering you, meet me 3ind the old tree jidam in 10.


Bader: okay.


"shfeech?"  Farah asked me


"wala shay" I said not wanting anyone to know what's wrong I showed her my phone. I left the balcony and went out front standing next to the old tree.


So many memories here and I remembered when we had the swings out here but now they're old and rusty. I cracked my leg once and I still had a long scar, not visible but I can feel it.


I waited..


5 minutes...


10 minutes..


He didn't show up.


15 minutes..


20 minutes..


I saw a tall figure coming closer


"Akheeran sharaftna" I yelled out to him.


"mnu tan6ireen?" the voice yelled back.








It wasn't Bader, It was ....