Welcome to reality- Chapter 12:

What do you call it when all you feel is pain?


When your loved ones look at you and all you feel is shame?


When your tired of living and playing this game?


When you know your life is meaningless and your the only one to blame?


What do you call it when the hurt is in your soul?


When you smile and laugh but you know its all a show?


When you feel like you've hit your all time low?


When nothing makes you happy and the darkness around you grows?


What do you call it when you feel so alone?


When your in your house but it don't feel like home?


When you look back in your life and every choice you made seems wrong?


When the wait to die seems too long.

Depression struck. My grandfather is one of the closest people in my life, it's like loosing Deema or Remas or one of my parents allah yagoul o ya7fi'9hum. He is one of the sweetest people I know he always used to tell me "الزين ما هو زين الملامح الزين الأطباع" 

He'd say that every time he'd see me, cutest thing ever.

I miss him bes enshallah alla idakhla il janah

Now there's also Bader, I know when someone special walkes into my life and makes it a better place I'm not supposed to let that person go. That's Bader. He always try's to make me a better person.

A person that faces her problems and doesn't avoid them.

A person that's always posotive

A person that's always happer.

A person that prays five times a day at the exact time of the 9alaat.

A person that smiles at sad strangers.

I love bader bes not in a couple way. I don't know what we are but we are not together. I don't think we'll ever be together, ya3nee he's a good guy bes I don't see myself with someone other than khaled but I have to accept that we're not together anymore and now he's just somebody that I used to know.



I didn't go to school for the next couple of days but I went to school on wednesday. All day people were giving me looks of pittiness and the only three words i've been hearing are "3atham allah ajrch" I'm fine, well i'm not but I can't tell people that, they'ed think iny daloo3a and if I tell them I'm fine ra7 igouloon "maku i7sas ina yadha towafa" ma3araf shagoul wallah. So of course I pretend that i'm okay, I'm always that way. I'm always depressed unless i'm with the people I love.


I've skipped almost every class today with farah, a9lan farah doesn't go to unless She has to. We stay in the old "hunted" gym and just talk about our problems and she shows me hot guys twitter pages and I'd tell her she's such a stalker and she'd smoke in the gym. I'd try not to smoke but I can't, I don't smoke in front of her because I haven't told her but she already know because of what happened in the car and I smell.


"7adch 3ajeeba, I know you won't ditch with me everyday bes we need to do this again." Farah said


"uff 7ada min9ijch, ay wagt." I said


"Adree ina your sad bes you need to keep your head up, stay strong, fake smile and move on" Farah said


"best advice I've heard today, you're awesome" I said


"oh, I have another one" Farah said


"goulay" I said


"never call a girl fat even if you're joking" Farah said


"aywaa, wise stolen words" I said and I gave her a high-five. I do it for support.


And for some reason I realized that it's not the happy people who are thankful, its thankful people who are happy.


"can I tell you something?" Farah said, She looks like she trusts me and she wants to tell someone bes matadry mnu, I nodded.


"There's this guy we used to be together last year bes faja' we stopped talking and now ga3deen insolif daily. madree if we're together or not" Farah said


"Okay, mnu? shnu isma?" I asked


"I saw him the other day in jlai3a yam shalaihkum, isma Khaled Al- X"


it hurts the most when the person that made you feel special yesterday makes you feel so unwanted today.


"Kaled?" I said


"shaklch it3arfeena" Farah said


"ee a3arfa rifeej my cousin, igouloon ina player" I said and the last bell rang.


khara 3alaih and all this time ana 3abaly i7ibny. a7gar insan shifta ib 7ayatee ughhhhh! I can't believe that I believed him. Deema yayah ma3ay il bait ilyoum, she's helping me catch up on my studies. I grabbed Deema quickly and told her to meet me outside in 5. I didn't even bother to take my bag.


I saw talking with Sula and sharoof, They were trying to cheer me up but they ended up talking about some rumor they heard but I still love them. I was waiting on my nerves for deema, akheeran sharifatna ba3ad 20 mins. The way home was quiet and we're normally not. I can't talk because well, my driver and my nanny yifhimoun. so I listend to taylor swift's 15. That explaines exactly what i'm feeling. when you're fifteen sombody tells you they love you you're gonna believe them.


akheeran wi9alna il bait I dragged Deema to my room and she orderd johonny rockets while I changed and Ilhanem ib kaifa khathat o ilbisat uhdoomy.


"yallah goulay ree7tch khara" She said once I came out of the bathroom ma3a ree7ty


I told her what happened about farah and khaled.


"ana mu giltlch don't trust her! o hal kalb ma yiste7y 3ala waiha- yasmeen la tabcheen, uhwa mu kafu" Deema said


"bes aana il '3abiyyaa ilee 9adaggta o Farah ma tadreee, ihhyaa shaku?" I said, now I was mad


"Dayoum shasawee?" I said


"umm, ee 3araft" Deema said


Deema told me her idea and I do admit she is evil.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 11:

dagait 3ala 3amitee she told me the floor and the room numbers. When I got into the hospital and I saw my cousin Haya and her friend walking, Haya mu bes itnarfiz! wayed shayfa rou7h o ma'3roura. She wasn't really beautiful, She was normal bes wayed 3abalha malikat jamaal maskeena. I tried to look away so she wouldn't see me and walked to the elevator.


"yasmeen" She said calling out loud, way3a. She knows I heard her, I turned around and gave her a fake smile, she was wearing hot shorts and a flowered printed shirt, Her friend 9afa I think, her name was pretty kilish mu layeg 3ala her personality. Ubouha safeer bil kuwait and she has a bahraini/saudi accent fa zyada stuck up people in Haya's life. When I saw them I couldn't believe I thought of myself as a slut. Allah yaster 3alaihum.


"hala o '3alah" Haya said


"hala Haya shlounch?" I asked, She gave me the tightest hug, khatwa5er hal two-faced b*tch, awal belzawara 7atan ma kanat ityee itsalem 3alay.


"ana zain, you've grown. 9irtay 7elwa" Haya said, shnu ya3nee awal kint khaysa? khatrou7 itmout a7sanlaha, she'd be doing the world a favor. O shnu you've grown la it9adgeen ba9'3ar wel mushkillah ana akbar minha, ib months bes still..


"Thank you, wentay safa shlounch?" I asked trying to be polite


"7mdella 2na ibkhair" she said


"yalla bye lazem arou7" I said


"bye, inchoufsh" safa said


"ma3asalamah 7abeebty" Haya said, I smiled at her.


I walked into the elevator. I went to my grandfather's room but before I entered I said "besmellah" Bader and my grandfather's room are two rooms away. I walked into my grandfather's room o ilwa'93 ikhare3, he's sleeping with thnaina min 3amatee around his reading qura'an my mother was also reading qura'an in a corner and I saw her cry, my mother never cries. ever.


My uncles were counting on their misabee7s. My grandmother may looking at my grandfather and tears fell from her eyes, she looked helpless and alone, I know how much they love each other and Remas being the nice person that she is was comforting everyone.
dashait, salamt 3ala il kil and I sat down next to 3amity, ten minutes passed I couldn't handle the depression in the room, I left it and I was roaming the halls when my phone was buzzing

PING!!!


PING!!!


PING!!!


PING!!!


PING!!!


Yasmeen: way3a, Deema eshtabeen kilish mo wagtch!


Deema: Shfeech? Etnarfizeen.


Yasmeen:  I'll tell you later. before I pressed send Deema called.


"yasmeen eshfeech?" Deema asked


"mafeeny shay" I said


"betyeen study group?" Deema asked.


"maly khulg a9lan I can't" I said


"Adree ina feech shay, ilyoum bitnameen 3endy. akhaly umy itdig 3ala umich, i'll call your house to tell them to send some clothers to my place ana banagy latkhafeen and we'll talk later itha matabeen itgouleen 3ala ra7tch okay?" Deema said


"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" I yelled at her through the phone, the old lady was staring at me like I did something wrong. It's a free country.


I went to bader's room.
Knocked the door and came in.


"halla bel zain, nawartay" he said and I melted. He looks like the same old bader. He was sitting on his bed with his normal clothes and his long hair coming out of the cap he has on backwards with Ayman and abdullah, I came and gave my brothers hugs and they kissed me on the cheeks. I love them so much!.


"asti7yy, latfashelny" I said


"chub 7ady 5ayef 3ala yadee abdullah" Bader said


"uff 7atan ana, bader witha 9ar shay mu zain" I said


"bes latfakreen chithy" Bader said


"men9ijy Bader" I said


"la it9adgeen ga3ed at'3ashmar weyaach, 7atan ana min9ijy" Bader said, I started laughing even though he meant it to be sarcastic.


3amity came rushing in the room crying, she said "yasmeen bara, sorry" bader and I gave each other a look and me and my brothers left the room. 10 minutes later 3amity left the room where I was waiting outside. She held the door for me, I went inside. Bader was sitting on the edge of the bed I smiled when I saw him then I realized a tear was falling from his eye. I've never seen a guy cry but when he realized that I saw him he looked away. I rushed towards him.


"bader shnu 9ayer?" I asked


"maku shay" Bader said with a weak smile


"bader" I said


"magdar agoulch yasmeen" He blurted out


"bader!" I said


"umm yadee 3abdullah.." He said


"shfee?" I asked


"tiwafa" bader said

Welcome to reality- Chapter 10:

"yasmeen 7abeebty goulay shay" Remas said


I was just staring at her, no way. I can't believe this, this year sucks. I've never been happy. Well I have but once I feel that everything is in place, the world starts tumbling down. This is so unfair. I am so selfish! Now my grandfather and bader are going to die and all I think about is me.

...My happiness

...My life

...My problems


Why is this happening to me? Why am I not doing anything to help them?
"wainhum?" I asked them


"bel mustashfa" my mother said


"mama, adree mustashfa! ay mustashfa?" I said in a loud voice


"bathbe7ch itha 3alatay 9outch chithee mara thanya fahamtay? Royal hayaat" Remas said


I left the room, I left the water running in the bathroom. Locked my bathroom door from the outside. Took my phone and went to the roof with my pack of cigarettes since my driver's back it's easier to get them. I'd give him money and he'd buy them for me. I have a secret stash in mu empty shoe box under my bed. I got on the roof, I called my grandfather he didn't answer.My grandfather knows all about my life , every week I'd bring him a glass of water for his calcium pills, he'd ask if I wanted money, I'd say no and he'd give me money anyways. cutest person ever! He'd also ask if I had a boyfriend and I'd blush and say no but then he insists and says "makheth galbch imbayen" I'd tell him about khaled but never tell him it was bader's friend. Then he'd say "intay 9'3eera o yimkn confused adree inch thakeya bes fakray ib 3aglch mo ib galbch". I got extremely irritated and lighted a cigarette, I felt my lips burn and It feels like the end of my tongue was on fire as I finished it and I felt free and rebellious. I have a love/hate relationship with my cigarette. I don't smoke lai dakhel ya3nee i don't smoke lai dakhel 3end my lungs bes ib my mouth I'm not considered a "real" smoker, I don't know how to explain it, only smokers would understand. I started crying the reality hit me that one of my closest friends and my beloved grandfather are going to die It was early in the morning, The sun was not really up and for some reason the view made me cry.


I felt so alone, I called bader

one ring.

two rings..

three rings...

four rings....


"yasmeen" he said, His voice sounded weak. Like he was angry all the time.


"bader" I said with a heavy voice because of all the crying


"yal ghalya laysh tabcheen?" he said


He always compliments me, sometimes I would think I would be better off if I would've dated bader


"laysh tabcheen? laysh matgouly bader? I could have been there for you" I said


"I know you would have" He said and that made me cry more because he knows how much he means to. wai3 tafkeery, I feel like a slut.


"I'm sorry bader wallah, I never meant to.. I swear I won't do it again and I'll never change for anyone, You'll always always be the best bader" I said, even I was surprised with what I was saying but I ruined it by coughing.


"6afay il zigara" Bader said


"shdarak yimkin I have a bad cough or something" I said trying to 'rage3' il mow'9oo3


"rab3e idakhnoon" He said


"bayeelik il mostashfa" I said


"rab3 3endy" He said


"mnu rab3k?" I aked


"Adnan, Abdullrahman o yousef o ba3ad" He said, I noticed that he didn't say khaled


"ga3ed itkalemny jidamhom?" I asked


"La 6ab3an, shnu ifukny min as'elathum bara ga3ed" Bader said


"3adee? maygouloonlik shay il mustashfa?" I asked


"la may9eer bes ishtigt 7ag 9outch, wesh asawy?" He said, I laughed at his failed attempt for doing a saudi accent


"faaaaaaail" I said while laughing


"chub bes 3alashan a'9a7kch" He said, daaaaamn.


"dish dakhel" I said


"okay" He said


"dashait?" I asked


"la'" He said


"dish" I said


"yismi3ouny akalmch" he said


"latgoul ismy, etha towahadt goul omik" I said


"enzain" He said


Adree ina dash la'ana asma9 9out sowalif


"dish dakhel ur bed" I said


"enshallah" he said, faja'a 9outa 9ar rough shwaya, I5ashen 9outa jidaam rab3a LOL


"5alaa9" He said, I laughed.


"i6rid rab3k, bye" I said


"enzain, ma3asalamah" He said, He always knows how to make my day.


I closed my phone, took a 10 minute shower because my eyes were all puffy and red. I wore leggings and a long shirt and went downstairs, told my driver to get the car ready then I saw my dad. He gave me a weak smile and I went over to him to give him a hug. He asked me "are you okay?" I nodded while tears fell from my eyes, 7amdellah my eyeliner was water-proof, I held myself together.


sa'alta "tyee ma3ay?"


"la' it's nearly time and I already said gooodbye" And he left
That was weird.


My driver was waiting impatiently outside, i got into the car.
I listened to the man who can't be moved - @thescript


Going Back to the corner 
where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag 
I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, 
got your picture in my hand
saying, "if you see this girl 
can you tell her where I am"

Some try to hand me money, 
they don't understand
I'm not broke, I'm just 
a broken hearted man
I know it makes no sense 
but what else can I do?
How can I move on 
when I'm still in love with you?

Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving

Policeman says "son you can't stay here"
I said, "there's someone I'm waiting for 
If it's a day, a month, a year"
Gotta stand my ground even if 
it rains or snows
If she changes her mind 
this is the first place she will go


this song is my favorite therapy song from the best band on earth, why can't I have a guy like him?
I remember when we were in the chalet and I sitting on the masana mal the boats. My entire family was busy getting the BBQ ready. I saw a shadow come from behind me and I turned around, makan fee a7ad fa I put my headphones on and I listened to this song and bader came from behind me and scared me I yelled at him and he just laughed then said "yal loner laysh ga3da ibrou7ch?" gltla "chub" o galee "let's walk on the beach fa I said "ok"


solafna o chithee. A cold breeze rushed toward us, I shivered. He put his arms around me to keep me warm because he was wearing a huge jacket. It felt awkward at the time but now that I look back I realized how cute it was and then we sat on the same huge rock. His arms still around me, I looked up at him He looked gorgeous with his light brown slightly long hair and his cap on backwards. I looked into his eyes and for some reason he said "thank you" I smiled and put my head on his shoulders even though I barely reached them and I fell asleep gazing at the golden color sea and the view on the sunset.



My train of thoughts were cut off by hassan, my driver, "yasmeen ana you9al" I told him "yallah rou7 il bait"

I got out of the car and embraced myself for a long and difficult day.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 9:

I haven't seen khaled, bader and all my other cousins for weeks, madree shnu salfat'hum. They're avoiding me, I think and when I go to talk to Remas about it. She tells me not to worry and they're going through a rough time and when I ask if there's anything I can do about it she says no and changes the topic. They never answer my calls or even messages.


Me and khaled are on good terms now but every time I talk to him, The conversation dies and when I ask why he's upset he says "ask your cousins wela ikhtch" why won't anyone tell me but when I found out the truth, I wished wouldn't have asked. The day I found out went like this, but first I'll tell you what happened the day bader asked me to meet him outside, then he sent me a message telling me he was on the beach, I remember it like it was yesterday.


I was there on the shore, waiting for him. I love the sea side. Even though it was a cold winter night I took my shoes off and was walking while the waves touch my feet. I love that feeling, the goosebumps I get every time I touch the water even though the water was warm. I was finally happy, in my home, the chalet. I was lost in my train of thoughts and never realized that bader was poking me on my shoulder for the last 3 seconds.

"shfeech sar7ana?" I remember him asking me


"mafeeny shay, just thinking about the beach" then I said


He gave me a weird look, like shaak feeny.


"ma gimna we hang out anymore" he said and stayed seated on a huge rock/stairs I sat next to him


and said "kibarna bader ma gam i9eer 3ady"


"bes kibartay 7agy ana bes mu 7ag '3airy" he said


"what? shet5arbe6" I seemed shocked.


"Adree 3anchh o 3an khaled yasmeen" He said


"Fu*k, galek?"I said


"la' yesterday I was sitting next to him and I saw your conversation with him bes before arou7 awajha kint bas'elch." Bader said


"um, madre shagoulk bes we're not dating anymore" I said


then ib kil nafseeya gal "galeelat adab o ma tsti7een 3ala wayhch la o you smoke ba3ad? kharabtay som3at il 3yla, mu kafu kilish, bitshoufeen shnu be3eerlch yasmeen mara7 agoul 7ag a7ad bes hayn bitshoufeen shay 3umrch ma shifty" and walked away


"bader, fahim '3ala6, we're just friends latswee shay" I yelled after bader


He slightly turned his head and said "9ij 6i7tay min 3ainy yasmeen" gave me a look and walked away.


As tears fell from my eye 7asait bel thamb o gadr il shay ily sawaita, I've never felt this guilty about something, usually it passes and I don't realize the mistakes I've made, it's not something i'm proud of ya3nee bes shasawy I keep telling myself what's done is in the past but that doesn't excuse the fact that I did it.


The second day khaled had bruises all over his body and broken leg.


That was what happened that day, as for the horrible thing that happened today, i'll start from the beginning I woke up this morning and it was a friday, I should be happy. I found a sport to waste my time in, gymnastics, so i wouldn't stay all day in bed alone.


These days I don't feel like going out or having fun with the rest of my friends or family. I was walking to the 9ala when I heard Remas telling my father


"al7een baba abdullah allah yashfee bes maskeen bader il mushkillah"


"shfeehum?" I asked seeming concerned


-no one answers-


"shfeehum?" I asked again with a louder voice


"7abeebty yasmeen gi3day wagoulch" my mother said


"la al7een itgouleely uma!" I yelled


"7abeebty baba abdullah 3enda heart disease and he is dying soon and they told us it was in the genes fa everyone in the family checked o el7amdellah mafeehum shay ila.." Remas said


"Bader" I said actually I whispered to my self. 

Welcome to reality- Chapter 8:

Yasmeen: ouch, khaled that right there hurts


Khaled: are you telling me it's not true?


(5 minutes passed)


Khaled: I'm guessing that's a yes


Yasmeen: I never told you I loved you khaled


Khaled: But I thought you did


Yasmeen: That's the problem right there that you thought I loved you and you never even asked


Khaled: Yasmeen lat saween nafsch baree'a, you mislead me and you didn't even have the courage to correct me because you were afraid of how i'd react. Is that right?


Yasmeen: yes, exactly.


Khaled: This proves how much I know you and you don't know me at all and I ask myself why? why we never worked? I always thought I never put in much effort but it turned out to be you, yasmeen


Yasmeen: do you know why our relationship never worked? I don't put in effort because everytime we did something together I felt guilty. Do you know what that made me?  A smoker, khaled. You remember how much I hated smokers khaled. I made you quit for me. Now I've become the thing I've hated the most.


Khaled: Yasmeeen? you:o I'd only believe you if I saw it with my own eyes, show me?


Yasmeen: our relationship is so bipolar and no


Khaled: because you are:p laysh? shda3wa


Yasmeen: bes akhaf a7ad ichoufna, bes mabee


Khaled: 3ala ra7tch.


we stopped talking after that, I payed my attention to my parents conversation about a bombing in bali or something. The story about Muslim terrorists bombing a nightclub, 7araam. I stared when my parents started arguing my dad igoul mesakeen o omy itgoul yestahloun Then I looked up at Deema and she was smiling at me and told me on bbm


Deema: shaklch 9aida wentay ga3da itkalmeen khaled one minute smiling and the next angry


Yasmeen: chub:)


My grandmother faj'a said "enshallah allah yarzigich ib rayal 9ale7 o ameen"


"la tinsain 7lu mama maryam, hatha aham shay 3ind yasmeen" Deema said I love how my friends are a huge part of my family and everytime my friends mayoun zwara yadetee tis'al 3anhum


"Ameen allah yisma3 minkum" I said


Everyone started laughing.


"yal 9aida the normal girls yisti7oun o intay itgouleen ameen" Remas, my older sister said


"Remas 7abeebty shfee hatha ile yay yakh6bch? mafee shay walad mitrabee, o kareem o shu'3la zain o 7lu eshtabeen ba3ad?" my grandfather asked

"bes baba 3abdullah idakhen, ma7eb chithy la ta'9'3i6oony uhwa my choice not yours" Remas said

"hal smoking problem hatha, i haven't seen good people these days even girls smoke, w3laya allah yaster 3alaihum. ya 7lu shabaab baitna bes." my mother said she was talking about us, me, bader, remas, bader's brothers and all my cousins hate smokers, al7een ana 6ila3t il shayna bil 3ayla. Great.


Then my two year old brothers, Ayman and abdullah came in the room. They ran towards me and hugged me, Remas, my parents and grandparents and Ayman blew a kiss to Deema. Ahhh, I love them. Me, sula and deema played with them then they left for their afternoon nap, For lunch we went to McDonalds drive through


The day went very fast, kilina ga3deen bil 9alah when my uncle said  "Yasmeen shnu model? laysh labsa shorts this short, a5aaf 3abaalch ga3deen bil America?"


a7. I felt like crying. kil ma libast shay i3algoun, wela shay ya3jibhum i'm not talking about my family. I'm talking about society in general just the other say in ask.fm some random person sent me a "question" saying: You're always wearing short thing o 7afat, slut much?


"agolaha matisma3 kalamee o ka i5itha o ubooha idaf3oon 3anha kil ma 3alagt 3ala libsha" my mother said


The only thing I thought of saying was "it's a free country" but I said "umm, okay"


"bitbadleen?" my mother asked


"No mama, libsy uhwa ta3beer 3an shakh9eety o itha bita7rimouny min ily ana albisa chinkom ga3deen itgouloon 'sha59eetch mo mohima il aham what people think of you' sorry bes hatha rayee" I said Impressed with what I just said, I thought i'd say something stupid.


"3afya bnayte itdafe3 3an nafsha" My father said

I went to the bathroom and started crying, this day is starting to get on my nerves.

just then bader, my cousin sent me a bbm saying:


Bader: koush independent woman talk meet me outside in 5, urgent. And don't cry, smile:D

Welcome to reality- Chapter 7:

I smelled disgusting but I love it, the relaxing mood it get's me in. I changed into my pj's, put on too much perfume and left the room and went to where the girls are at.


When I came in the girls were deep in a conversation with farah talking about some woman's botox gone wrong, I smiled at how typical they were. I am so bipolar sometimes One miniute happy and cheerful and the next extreamly depressed and angry.


3aysha fell asleep..

then sula..

then farah..

Now me and deema are left awake.


"Deema" I yelled


"hala bil zain, a7bch wallah bes lat9ar5een" Deema said


"Adree" I said as I jumped on her bed.


"so, what's with khaled?" Deema asked


"madree, we talked on dm's shoufay the conversation" I switched on my phone and I got a Dm from khaled:


Khaled: okay kafch bes i needed to tell you how i feel


I ignored it and showed Deema the conversation, she just hugged me


"7mdella wel shiker, wa5ray 3anee" I said


I hate it when people give my that pitty look, like they feel sorry for me. But no one does, not really.


"sorry but are you okay?" Deema said


"Dayoum of course i'm okay" I said with a broken smile


"whatever happens, you need to know I love you and i'll always be here for you and not everything is solved by smoking, yazmeen" She said


"Thank you for the mini-speech dayoum, like I already don't know that? love you deem" I said


"Goodnight" Deema said and gave me a look.


"Goodnight" I said and Deema instantly fell asleep


half an hour later later at 3:30 I fell asleep and woke up at 2 p.m all my friends were downstaires with all my family here except for farah, she just woke up.


"yasmeen, yallah goumay" farah said


"ishtabeen? way3a, laysh ma nizaltay ma3ahum?" I asked


"fashla ma3arf ahalch, o mabee il wa'93 i9eer awkward" farah said


"ay awkward allah i5aleech" I said


"inzain yallah change" farah begged


She was sitting on my bed all ready, she put on a drake song and i stood up


"3ash men shaf hal wayh il7lu" farah said


"a5jaal" I said and turned my face away pretending to blush


"intay wayhch mal wa7da teste7y? yallah badlay" farah said


"chub, zain meny radait 3alaich" I said


"I saw your cousin's friend, cute" She said while i was brushing my teeth.


"what?" I said, I felt that my face turned yellow and i was extreamly shocked. I never realized that farah was that type of person, that liked guys. mashallaaah and I am? 7ady hypocrite o stereo type kind of person. The thing is I always judge people based on how they look and don't get the time to know that person.


"your cousin's friend, Adnan" she said


el7amdellah, I said to myself. I know we're not together but I can't handle the thought of seeing him with someone else.


I changed into shorts and a shirt, we went into the 9alah


my grandfather said "kahee yat, yat el7elwa"


"salaam" I said to everyone o salamt 3ala kil il7areem o 3amaamy and introduced them to farah


I sat next to my grandmother while farah sat next to sherifa, my grandmother was watching a bahraini series where a woman was forced to get married.


"i'3a9boonha titzawaj?" I asked


"ee wa3laya, maskeena. Ana ma kint abe atzawaj, kint abee akamel dirasty bes ahaly galoly lazim uhma i3arfoun ma9la7ty ma kan fee 7ub o hal kalaam il fa'9ee, intay 7abeebty it7ebeen wa7ed?" my grandmother asked


"laa ana ma3endy hal kharabee6" I said then I realized that Khaled heard me


"what about rab3ch? i7iboun?" my grandmother asked


"la'" I Said


khaled sent me a dm


Khaled: now i know you never loved me, that hurts


wow, no that hurts  

Welcome to reality- Chapter 6:

"yasmeen! shlonch? sha5barch? shd3wa ma gimna inchoufch?" bader said, it's been too long. I love him, as a cousin latfakroun '3ala6. He always makes me happy.


"zaina el7amdella ana? speak for yourself, o mnu hatha?" i said acting innocent


"hatha refeejy khaled" bader said


"tisharafna" khaled said cute, i almost melted.


"hala o hathe my friend deema" i said with a smile, deema said her said hi and payed her attention to her phone. she is too awkward in these situations.


"shlonch deema? o shloun ahalch? wain 3abood minziman machifna?" bader said


"ana zaina o ahaly ib khair, rija3 abdullah london" deema said all respectful, bader and deema are too cute while talking to each other


"intow ga3deen ib chalet 3amy ahmad?" i asked


"what? yeah etha tabeen shay call me" bader said


"okay, mnu ma3aak?" i asked


"ana, o khaled o refeejy adnan" bader said


"the fat one?" i asked i remember he used to always come to our chalet and steal my food


"ay fat? allah i5aleech a'93af mny" bader said


"o intay mnu ma3aach?" bader asked


"my usual friends including my friend farah" i said


"ay farah?" khaled asked

na3aam eshyaby? we just broke up-ish

"farah al-x" deema said


"ay shaay? i know her, kanat ib my school. kil il 9bayaan yaboun'ha bes mata36e wayh" bader said


"mashallah 3arfeen gi9at 7ayat'ha bes allah yaster 3alaikum" deema said and she started walking away


"bye deema shda3wa? 3a6eena wayh" bader said


"bye" she turned around and said


"okay i'll tell natalie dinner at nine for you guys" i smiled at both of them and caught up with deema


As i was walking away i heard khaled say "7elwa"


Then bader said "and off limits" I smiled, cute! I love him.


As we were going up to my room i told deema about muneera, khaled's sister she didn't have time to react because we arrived at my room when i came in the girls were in a circle talking about Lana Del Rey's new music video, typical.


I jumped on my bed and was checking twitter when i saw that i had a dm from khaled:


khaled: koush act


yasmeen: yi9la7 a9eer actress 9a7?


khaled: 7ail, saweely add bbm 256*****


yasmeen: la' khaled


khaled: shda3wa?


yasmeen: bbm '3air


khaled:inzain 3arfeeny 3ala ur friend farah


yasmeen: itshoufny hook-up center? talk to her yourself


khaled: yasmeena? it'3areen? call me


yasmeen: haman no for both. we're not together anymore


khaled: And  I can't let a day go by without talking to you on dm's. intay matadreen shitsaween feeny yal '3alya? The last person i talk to is you, you are my first and last thought of the day..


yasmeen: khaled i just can't, I pressed send as a tear fell from my eye


I switched off my phone. Took my purse and clothes and told my friends that I was going to take a shower in the other bathroom.


Deema looked up at me, shook her as if she was saying no, I ignored her.


I took my purse with me to the bathroom, left the water running and smoked for the next half an hour.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 5:

"umm, no:D shaku?" I exclaimed


"yaz, latchathbeen. 3adee, i smoke sometimes" farah said china shay 3adee


"farah, ga3da itgouleena china 3adee o il7ayah 7elw-" I said but she cut me off.


"yaz, live a little" farah said


"LIVE A LITTLE? farah what the f*ck? who are you? *wi9alna starbucks o nizalna*" i said


*farah orderd*


"don't you feel bad at all? tadreen ina 7araam o allah i7asebna" i said feeling guilty.


"6ab3an i feel bad, o intay 5alatay kilshay 7araam o yat 3alaina i7na? Coffee and smoking are the last great addictions." farah said and she was convinced with the words she was saying


" intay min9ijich? 3abalch hal theory 9a7? ma9adgch!" i said and with that we left starbucks and headed to school with the girls orders we didn't say a word and it was confiscated at the reception.


It's Thursday, the first week of school went unexpectedly fast.
The first Thursday of the year is known for prank day, so me, Sula and 3aysha decided to bring a rat or hamster to school and leave it in ms.khawla's room and see what she does.
No other person in the class knows except for deema, farah, sherifa and a few other people we trust that won't make it a huge deal.


We had arabic fourth period, the hamster was in 3aysha's huge pencil case and we left a hole for air.
We had an assembly for respect that lasted until the half of third period.
When 3aysha didn't know i took her pencil case and i let out the hamster at the assembly.


Once it was insight all the girls, teachers even the male ones started screaming, it was beyond hilarious!
We later went to class.
At lunch i was walking with sula when i heard that i was wanted in the principal's office.


*knock knock*


mr. coner said "come in yasmeen"


I came in and sat down and said "hi, mr.coner how are you?"


He said: "I know you're trying to lighten the mood but this is serious"


"just one question, who told you?" I said pretty sure it was farah because of the way i treated her today.


"Its anonymous plus security cameras"He said, shit i forgot about that.


"I need to know who." i said with a demanding expression on my face.


"It was muneera al-x" he said


khaled's sister, i always knew she hated me because she found out i was dating her brother but khaled doesn't know she knows and i always tired to make it up to her, wel mushkila ina shes in 6th grade and it's her first week here. Shloun yat'laha il jura' ina itsawee chithee?


"okay, what's my punishment?" i said


"detention after school today call your parents and tell them what you've done" He said


"hala baba..I have an afterschool detention on sunday..because i let out a hamster in the assembly today and everyone started screaming and they left..*he laughed* *i laughed with him*-


"-it's not funny" said the principal in a loud voice


"no,no its not" I said while laughing


"yalla bye baba" I said and closed my phone.


"you can go now" Mr. coner said.


I left and I made my way to my friends, farah was there and we skipped class and we went home, i asked her to come to my place since all the girls are coming anyways and we're going to the chalet together.


"i'm sorry la'ana 3a9abt 3alaich." i said


"laa 3ady, i'm sorry la'ana giltlich ina shay 3adee, 6ab3an mu shay 3adee" she said


"ta3alay ma3ana chalet, it'll be a great chance for the girls to get to know you" i said


"madree, i'll ask my mother" farah said, with a genuine smile, she's so sweet and i don't know why my friends don't trust her.


3ala goulat 3aysha: she has a devilish smile. shaku?


They just can't trust nice people and only trust the people that are full of betrayal.


farah called her mother and she agreed


all the girls came @ 4 with their things marayna bait farah for her to get her things


once she left the car sula said"mnu 3azemha?"


"ana laish?" i said


"i dont trust her, no one does" 3aysha said


"eshbetsawee bitaklch? shda3wa give her a chance" i said


farah came and we all left to the chalet, my cousins are there bes the adults are coming tomorrow bes my uncle is coming today.


3ala ma wi9alna ila 9ar 6:30 my friends went upstaires to tidy their things me and deema went sea-side to check if there was anyone here, i saw my cousin far away standing with a guy.


"badeer, baderr" i yelled


He turned around and saw me and smiled


me and deema were walking towards him and his friend.


I know that face, "khaled" i whisperd to deema.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 4:

I woke up at 4, went to the roof and smoked three cigarettes and just stared at the sky, i even took a picture:

I looked at the sky and i think am i the person i seem to be? I know i say i love my life but i feel really messed up and I feel like i'm about to get a mental break down. I know i say i'm okay but i'm not and i want the people in my life to know i'm lying, I want someone who sees me for who i truly am.

I'm not a smoker, I always told myself that i'd never be that person. I don't like it, who i've become:

-always mad

-always not in the mood

-always lifeless

-always careless

-always tired

-always craving it

-always mad at people that have nothing to do with what i'm going through.

and the list goes on and on..

I went back into my room, changed and put my favorite perfume on.

I got into the car and the new girl farah bbm'd me

farah: wanich?

yasmeen: just left the house

farah: 3adee itmureeni?

yasmeen: sure, send me your address and i'll be there in 5.

farah: yarmouk, block 5, street 56, house number 7890

yasmeen: yarmouk, i live in here!

farah: wanasa! 

Then i tweeted: wanasa, me and @farahalx live in the same area, i'm outside.

She quoted tweeted it and wrote okay.

She came in the car.

"hi gorgeous" she said

"ma7ad gorgeous '3arch ha ishsalfitch?" i said

"my car 5arbana o malee khulg an6er" she explained.

"okay, with my story feech rou7a starbucks? please." she asked

What i like about her ina ma teste7y not in a bad way, like chna we've known each other for a long time.

"malee khulg bes yalla 3alashanch" i said trying to act excited.

"no offence yasmeen but you smell like cigarettes, you smoke?" she asked.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 3:

It's the first day of school and deema is still on me for the smoking thing when she slept over, she knows i love my house's roof and every time my friend's come over we hang out on the roof, I have my favorite carpet, pillows and and blankets.


Deema started treating me like i am a fragile little girl that does not understand the misery the world would bring. Ever two days or so she lectures me on how smoking kills people. Her favorite example is how ironic the founder of Marlboro died from lung cancer.


In Religion class, i hid my phone behind the new qura'an books and i'd log into tumblr, go online shopping and read blogs all while the new teacher is explaining the rules. I got a new message from an unknown number.


unknown number: maskeena allah ihadaha ma tadree binma95irha this year:D


me: *i turned around, no one was using their phone. Akeed a7ad chaf min the window* uff 7ail:p


with that ending the conversation, who the hell was that? okay i'm curious so i captured it and sent to to Deema, 3aysha, sharoof and sula. We all wanted to know who she is. You know what they say, curiosity killed the cat, i hope i'm not the cat..


In our lunch break we went to ms. hanan to convince her to transfer sherifa to our class and we promised we wouldn't effect our studies, we all know that's not true but we'll try. Ms. hanan agreed, we left her office. Deema being the nice person that she is went to every 10th grade new student and asked them to sit with us. Some of them were really nice, i really liked one girl. Her name was farah and i think we are going to get along fine but the rest were kind of boring or stuck-up.


Last period we had arabic, killah rules o new books. Waiting for 2:15, 1:56 ulaa buga wayed. The teacher gave us free time in the last 15 minutes. Me and Sula took pictures of the class and of ourselves and posted them on instgram from sula's phone and she sent them to me whatsapp.


2:15 the bell rang, akheeran. My driver came, as soon as i got into the car i got a dm from khaled.
ishyabee hatha? gimt atka'ab laman agra ina dazlee shay


 Khaled: wainich?


Yasmeen: car.


Khaled: adree, turn to the left.


I turn and i see him and he's smiling at me, cute! my mixed feelings are impossible to deal with.


Khaled: 99.7 quick this song and the next, ehdaa' miny lch:D


what makes you beautiful - one direction, he knows i hate one direction but love this song and he used to sing it to me when i was feeling insecure about my weight.

You're insecure, don't know what for

You're turning heads when you walk through the do-o-or

Don't need make-up - to cover up

Being the way that you are is eno-o-ough

Everyone else in the room can see it

Everyone else but you

Baby you light up my world like nobody else

The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed

the way you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell

If only you saw what I could see

you'd understand why I want you so desperately

Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe

He can really make or break my day, it's unbelievable how much i relay on him. I'm starting to think it's not just a summer fling.

The next song came on.

Payphone -maroon5 ft. wiz khalifa

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone
Baby it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two?

Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember
The people we used to be
It's even harder to picture
That you're not here next to me
You say it's too late to make it
But is it too late to try?
And in our time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed
Still stuck in that time when we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise.

without thinking i sent him a dm

Me: thank you, you really made my day, i love you.

I turned around and i can see him smiling.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 2:

What the hell is he doing here? doesn't he know that it's a girls school? and he knows that i go here. I know he would never do anything to hurt me, we both know it's over and it was a summer fling. I never really loved him. I know that he never really truly did too and now we're on good terms. He would never tell my family. well, Remas already knows and deema knows.
Deema saw the puzzled look on my face and was turning to look at the direction that i was staring at.


"umbaaay, yasmeen mu hatha khaled?" she said in a loud voice


"ushhh, ga9ray 7isich!!! tabeen tif'9i7eeni?" i said whispering


"laa, bes ru7ay kalmee!"she said encouraging me


"maynuna? ba3dain shegouloon 3anee il naas? badizla dm" i said


"okay." Deema said.


"ana bag3ad ihnee rou7ay 7ag Sula, Sherifa and 3aysha ga3deen ikalmoun ms.hanan at the end of the court" i said


"malee khulg bes okay." Deema said.

dm'ing khaled:

Yasmeen: haa shitsawee ihnee?

Khaled: my sister's new to the school o 5ayfa ityee ebrou7ha fa i came with her.

Awww, cute!

Yameen: ya7lailik, so cute!

Khaled: adree, 7adee cute:D

Khaled: inzain yal loner laysh ga3da ibrou7ch?

Yasmeen: chub.

Khaled: at'3ashmer ya 7elwa

ya 7elwa? no, that has to go, old habits die hard.

Yasmeen: my friends are here, in the other side of the courtyard

*Khaled looks at the other side of the courtyard*

Khaled: 7elween 3ad.

Yasmeen: chub, o 7adhum bare'een ma3endihum hal sowalif.

Khaled: ee 9a7

Yasmeen: yal loner inta bitig3ad lay mita?

Khaled: ana loner? a9lan my friend bara na6erni bas na6er my driver ya5eth e5tee

Yasmeen: 5alha ma3ay

Khaled: o shnu agoulaha gi3day ma3a my ex-girlfriend laman iyee ilsayeg nawya 3ala il fi'9ee7a?

Yasmeen: ee 9a7 nesait.

Every time i look up at him i find him staring at me, then i start to wonder off and remember my favorite summer, when i met him on the beach's shore, the first time both of our eyes met, when he told me he loved me, when he told me he was planning on marrying me just like it was yesterday and then i remember that i was staring at him and he looks up and i shyly look down and walk away.

Now Deema, Sula, Sherifa and 3aysha were sitting on the bench obviously talking about the hot guys that were passing by and my friends aren't ugly, actually i see that they're gorgeous.


Me:"halla bil 7elween hala"


Sula:"ya ba3ad chabdy wallah, asti7ee"


Sherifa:"intay wayhech mal wayh tharaba o a7ad yisti7y?"


Deema gave me a questioning look, then she winked at me smilingly. She knows that everything is going to be fine.


Sula:"ba3aad yi'3azloon"


Me:"chub, yalla kan rou7"


Sherifa:"chiftay ur classes?"


Me:"ma3akum wela la'?"


Deema:"ee ma3ana, bes sharoof awal school week goulay 7ag ms.hanan ityeen our class."


3aysha being the 7ana that she is said"i'm leaving, ba6la3 ma3a my cousins bye"


we all said our goodbyes


We left the school, by the reception i saw Khaled's sister get in the car with the nanny and he went with his friends, he gave me a smile and got into his friend's car. I love his smiles, they reassure me that every thing is going to be okay. I remember when we talk on bbm and he would write Y<3 as his personal message, and when i'm sad he would always compliment me until i felt like i was in cloud 9.


The rest of the day mur 3ala khair we had breakfast at 360 then me and Deema went to watch a movie, the others went home, i showed her the dm's and she slept over because i had a ton of things i wanted to tell her and talk about guys o chithee and i suddenly felt like crying because i missed him so much, no in a boyfriend way but the way we used to talk on the phone at night because the last thing he wanted to hear was the sound of my voice and i remember the first time he told me he loved me he didn't mean he loved me the conversation went like this:

Him: i love youu

me: i like you too but this is awkward, i don't want anything to end up badly

him: yal 9aida mu chithee i ment i love the way you're always there for me

me: oh, okay

and it turned out to be awkward.

I dropped Deema at her place to get her things,I haven't talk to my family all day; i missed them. I told her I was going to sultan center to get us things when we arrived i gave my nanny a list to get:
1.chocolate
2.candy
3.chips
4.gum
5.drinks
6.ciggarets big pack (for baba)
And that was the first time i spent all night on the roof after Deema was asleep smoking.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 1:

I woke up early but i was still in bed, my laziness has gotten out of control, with deema pinging me every 2 seconds because she knows i still didn't get up. I'm too tired for orientation day, i called deema.

My name is yasmeen the best thing about me is that i am thin but according to my family i need to loose more weight and i'm tall, i have a light brown -hazel eyes but the thing i hate the most is my skin color its so white!

Deema is the most amazing person I've ever met, she listens to all my problems, she has such an amazing positive attitude, is a straight A student and is an incredibly lovable person. She is attractive without even trying, with her silky black long hair and big dark brown eyes.

"deema please 3adee ma 'arou7? tell me my classes" i said pleadingly 

"yasmeen yalla 3ad, goumay kilina binitrayag bara ma3a il banaat" deema said sounding annoyed.

"etha ruyoog 3ayal i'm in! bes mureene" i said, excitedly.

"sure thing, bes goumay min ill frash!" deema said sounding even more annoyed and kind of excited

I got up, took a long relaxing shower and changed into my Japanease cut shirt that was filled with flowers of blue, green and white and shorts that were above the knees by a bit. Just as i was applying my eyeliner deema called and told me she was outside which means i have 10 minutes until she arrives.

I went into the living room and saw my parents and my older sister, Remas, my 19 year old sister that unlike me is stunning, long light brown healthy naturally wavy hair, hazel eyes, high cheekbones, small waist and it goes on.. She is so protective of me, she is the only person i tell everything to. well, her and deema.

"halla wallah bil zain killah, ya7alaat binty wallah. maku mithlich" my mother said with a good mood. Weird, she's not usually this happy. She's bothered about something.

"yeahh, okay... so, baba barou7 orientation ma3a my friends 3alashan ashouf my classes o ba3dain ba6la3 ma3ahum. abee flous" I said

my father started laughing "a7b shloun you get to the point, okay yebeely bouky min the round table"

I smiled:D I love my father and my family..

"7abeebty, intay biti6le3een chithee?"my mother asked

now i know what's bothering her.

"ee yuma biti6la3 chithee o uhdoumha ityaneen" Remas said defensively. I love my sister so much, she always has my back even if it is something small.

"mama, tadreen ina wayed at'ather laman a7ad i3ale8 3ala uhdoomy" I said, with that deema called and told me that she was outside. I said my goodbyes to my family and i was disappointed that I did not see Abdullah and Ayman my two year old brothers:(

We went to orientation and i saw him, well this is going to be awkward.