Welcome to reality- Chapter 29:

The end of the year was approaching, just 3 months left until it's over. I can't wait until its over. This year has been one hell of a year. 


Last year everything was simpler, I was a child. Its crazy how much things can change in one year.


Bader has been lavishing me with gifts that I don't need. I love them, I can't deny that but its getting overboard. I mean every 2-3 weeks or so he would go something breathtaking. 


wayed 3ayesh il dour :p It's almost too good to be true. Like it's not real. Like he he wouldn't love me anymore.


They have always been my biggest fears acceptance & denial. I always thought  was never good enough for anyone.


If someone told me I looked pretty, I'd tell tell for sure that they were lying but now that bader's come along. I started accepting compliments like that in my mind.


My obsession over my weight has gotten more & more by the second. From checking my weight every month to checking it every week now I check my weight everyday.


From eating three more than balanced meals with snacks to eating two meals a day with snacks now I eat barely one meal a day which my parents almost force me to, it front of them.


My face has become paler and there's barely any fat on my body, my collar bones have become deeper. You know the expression, all skin & bones? yeah that's me now. Its actually become addictive.


Week after week I change & loose wight, Its gotten to the point that its become not healthy anymore. so, with a hard decision and I eventually stopped but it was never the same.


Whenever someone comments about my weight I stay up at night crying.


The worst kind of cry is the silent cry.


That cry when everyone is asleep.


The one when you feel it in your throat, and your eyes become blurry from the tears.


The one when you just want to scream.


I just hate it when someone talks about my flaws and I have to act like I don't care when actually it kills me inside.


My life has gotten beyond depression. For no reason.


I cry more.


I care less.


I hate more.


I love less.


I go out less.


& the list goes on..


Did you ever think that there was something was wrong with you? I threw the thought away as the sound of the alarm started indicating that I should prepare for yet another "joyful" day at school.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 28:

Sitting on that bench counting as much starts as we can became a weekly thing.


That day was special it was just like the first day, every time we would joke around.


But this time we were deep in silence. Although the silence that was comfortable.


I was thinking of my family and how differently they've treated me since I got out of the hospital but It was in a good way and god knows what he was thinking about.


A sudden breeze swept through us, although the middle of April the breezes are cold. Very strange for kuwaiti weather.


I shivered and like what you see in movies, he took his jacket off and gently placed it around me like I was a priceless jewel that should be handled with care. I love that feeling.


As the sun rose that was our Que to go inside but neither of us left.


I broke the silence by saying "bader, feek shay?"


He looked surprised, don't know why. He's weird. He just smiled and gave me a hug.


You know one of those rare genuine hugs you get? The ones that make you want to break out and at the same time forget everything. Yeah, it was like that. I don't know why I did what I did but I started crying.


He wouldn't ask me what's wrong because there was nothing wrong and he knows it. I just needed a good cry. Sometimes there's nothing wrong but all you need was a good cry.


After I was done I moved away and he held my face and looked into my eyes where I could see a reflection of myself in his eyes. Then he kissed my forehead and said "I love you."


"mm ok" I said while he chuckled because I told him not to get used to is and he moved into a sideways half-hug, at 4 am the color of the sky and the sea were almost the same.


Even if you look far away behind the sea, you can't see the line of difference between the colors.


"3ajeeb il veiw" I said gazing at the clouds and how just half an hour ago the sky was dark and filled with stars.


"ee wayed 7lu" He said but he wasn't looking at the sky & sea, he was staring at me. How cheesy can he get? He's like a chuck bass bes kuwaiti version with the way he talks and I found out he reads books in his free time! That's unusual for a guy. Especially a kuwaiti guy.


"badsh da5l" I said as I stood up and took off his jacket.


"5alee ma3ach thikra, 3alashan talbiseena bl madrissa o tethakirany o eygouleen 7ag rab3ch enich etmouteen 3alay" He said ib kel thi8a


"chub 3aad" I said and he gave me a wink


"eljamaal killah, beautiful not hot. Hot is a temperature not a compliment" He called out


"I taught you well" I said holding the door and he laughed.


I went to my room and read my book The Kite Runner at 9 am after I slept a little someone knocked on my door.

"tefathal-ay" I said and Remas came in. She was smiling like a really happy smile.


"haa, ebtisama shaga il wayh?" I said while wiggling my eyebrows at her.


"okaay chuub" She said, I just laughed.


"shlonich yas?" she said, weird.


"umm zaina" I said raising one eyebrow


"okaay bagoulch shay" Remas said eagerly.


"goolay" I said, sitting up straight.


"wa7ed ya ya56bny" She said.


"o how is he different?" I said not really seeing the point


"doctor fayez al- x tethakiraina?" She said


"a5eeran" I said.


"ya bgara shnu a5eeran ma gilt ee" She said


"yawailich etha ma giltay ee la'ana i've seen the way he looked at you, I did faint but I'm not retarded. He also doesn't smoke, what more do you want" I said























She hugged me and that was her happily ever after.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 27:

I've been getting a lot more texts from the unknown number about my private life, 7aail e5tera3t.


One Thursday we were all having a movie night at sherifa's house. We were sitting in her basement on the floor figuring out what movie we should pick while Deema was on the phone with the guys from baking tray asking him why out order was 2 minutes late:/ 9j etfashel-.-


"abaay fe a7ad unknown number ga3d edizly creepy texts o eb the last text kan mobd3. Wait 5aloony a6le3 my phone agralikum eyaa" I took out my phone.


"awal shay gal 'keef il 7al ya 7elwa? I was hoping to go out with you or I'll tell everyone something private about you ba3dain 7a6 smiley face almohalab @ 6 thursday the 18th ya3nee elyoum chan egoul adree 3indch plans bes cancel I'm worth it eshyabee hathe" I said and suddenly everyone burst out in laughter


"yal bugar" I said finally realizing that they pulled a prank on me.


"yal 9aaaaaaidaa" Farah said & she and sula high-fived which was weird because I knew they hated each other. wow.


ba3d litrelly 10 minutes they stopped laughing


I ate soooo much that day mcdonals/ johnny rockets/ cookies/ brownies/ ice-cream ma buga shay ma kalaina. I felt so fat:(


reja3t el bait, wela kil 5alaty o 5alee mowjooden.


"hallah bel zaain killaah wel jamaal killa" 5alti ghalia said, she's 24 years old and recently engaged and she just finished college and is a doctor.


"haha, mashkouraa wallah ma7ad ajmal minch o 9adgeeny" I said with a smile


She's my role model, achieved her dream job and is getting married to her dream man and is going to live in a huge house with a pool. I've always imagined my future to be somewhat like hers.


"hallaa yasmeen, 3asach ib khair?" 5alee ahmad, the youngest out of my mother's family and is also considered "the rebel" of our family, he's 23, he's always been the funny one.


"7amdella ib khair" I replied


He talks to me about his favorite books and how I should get better grades and every time he inspires me because he's studying in london and he's always that deep and open-minded about things I go through.


"halla bel 7elwa" 5alti so3aad, my 32 year old aunt said. you know when there's always that one family member you've never really connected with? yeah that's my aunt.


"hala 5alti so3aad" I said back


 Although she tries, sometimes she's mean but don't get me wrong she's my aunt and I love her to death but we just don't talk. we don't have that aunt/ niece relationship that I have with my other aunt and uncle. But I love them all.


o salam 3ala umy o 7abait'ha 3ala ras'ha and I started talking with my family. I haven't seen them in weeks!


"ha, yasmeen shlon madrisa?" 5alee ahmad asked


"zaina el7amdella" I said with a sigh


"etha tabeeny asa3dch goleely ha?" He said with a smile


"laish ballah 3alashan a9g6?" I said and they all laughed


"yasmeeno" 5alti ghalia said, she knows I hate it when people call me that bs 6awaft'ha.


"hala?" I asked


"m7lawa yal kabla" She said, you see why? she is the kind of person that would start and end a conversation with a compliment.


"haha, mashkouuura" I said with the biggest smile


"bs matnanaa! laish?" 5alti so3aad said, I know kanat ga3da et6aferny bs I'm too sensitive.


I swallowed my tears and said "laa 7asafaa"


After an hour of chatting with my aunts, my uncle and my mother about my day/school/life/books I've read I went to my room. I re-activated ask.fm and I tweeted my link because I was bored.


My questions started rolling in.. Allah yaster I thought.


tra uve gtten fat ;$


I love you!


yal ga*ba


I bet when you look at your self in the mirror you see A pretty person but everyone see's someone FATT!


You eat sooo much! ana ma akel hal kither


I went into the bathroom to wash off my eyeliner, then I remembered a book I read about a fat girl that people call on her and through out the summer she would starve her self and make her self throw up but she lost 20 pounds.


I wish I could loose 20 pounds, I wonder If it works trying to make yourself throw up.


















So I tried it, I felt dizzy after but I felt so good. That feeling when you think you're finally getting thinner. finally.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 26:

School sucks, I really hate it. Waking up at 6 a.m and facing dull, lifeless people. Another typical school day.


In English class I sat in the back and I was so bored of the teacher's speech about Shakespeare I made a list of pro's and con's of this year. Seriously who cares what Shakespeare wrote? And where he lived? That guy's dead and they're still moaning over him.


The bad things that happened this year:  I started to write on the piece of paper



1. Me and bader got into a fight when he found out about khaled


2. towafa yadee


3. Bader 3enda heart disease


4. Farah smoked weed


5. Farah's parents are getting a divorce


6. Haya threatened to expose me and bader


7. Remas ma gamat tethq feeny mithel il awal


& the list goes on..



the good things that happened this year: 



1. I met Farah


2. I found out what falling in love really feels like. Finally understanding why people would risk anything for true love.


3. Being with my one and only love


4. -


I stopped at four, I was blank headed. I can't believe this it's been one hell of a school year and we're only half way through school. This semester has been one thing terrible.


The bell rang. It was lunch.


As I was approaching the tree where most of my friends sat everyday with deema, I heard the twins Aljawhara and Jazi talk about me so I pretended to talk to deema to hear what they were saying. Deema understood.


"Ambaaay a9lan 7ail ta'3ayirat!" I heard Jazi say.


"uff awal kanat 7aail hyper o full of life bes al7een chinha emo" Aljawhara said


"lezmay e7doudch" sula said defensively. I. love. her.


"wallah ana ga3da agoul el9ij a9lan 9ayra 7al'ha 7al il 6oufa a5af etkalem-" Aljawhara got cut off by 3aysha


"sem3ay jawhara, entay matadreen shnu 5o9oo9iyat'ha o entay mo ga3da ma3aha bel bait. A9lan entay mat3arfeen yasmeen! fa malch 7ag tetkalimain 3anha chithee!" 3aysha said loudly


Then my silent friend finally spoke "A9lan yasmeen is the strongest women I know o intow il ethnain malkum 7ag tetkalimoun 3anha la'ankum ma ra7 to9loun nu9 ow 7atan rube3 karamat'ha, combined. La' yasmeen matkalem last I heard intow akbar sluts bel madrissa" Sherifa said with a bitch-y smile towards the twins and they stopped of angrily.


As they walked away Farah extended her middle finger at them both. No words can describe the love I have for my friends! Aljawhara and Jazi chinhum Haya, bitch-y and have no life.


I went over and gave each and everyone one of them a hug, I really love them. Then I took out my pillow (yes, I bring a pillow with me to school) and put it on sherifa's lap and laid down on it.


"sharouf amout 3alaich, yal kalba 6ila3 3endch elsaan" I said to her with a wink.


"haa 3ayaal etha ma adafe3 3anich 3ayal adafe3 3an mnu!" She said, LOL I love them!


I took out my phone, just them I got a text message from an unknown number. The same number I got from the beginning of the year.











Unknown number: Your friends are too cute! I bet they don't know you as much as they think they do LOL 

Welcome to reality- Chapter 25:

It's night time and this is the first night I've spent alone, at home I mean. My parents both went on business trips that are urgent. Unsure at first but Remas assured them that I will be fine and properly taken care of.


 As soon as we got home Remas looked through every corner of my room and found every pack I hid and Farah promised Remas that she wouldn't lend me any. So now I have to learn to live without them.


I have also decided to deactivate Ask.fm since it is now filled with negativity about me and what I do and what I wear.


As I got tucked into bed as usual I started over thinking. Every one was treating my like a child. Reckless and a naive little kid. I got a BBM.


Bader: wainich?


Yasmeen: where do you think I would probably be at 1 a.m ya3nee?


Bader: Shdaranee, 6il3ay 3ala your balcony.


Yasmeen: laish? latkoun bit93ad 3ala my balcony. 7arakat Romeo ana ma a7ibha -.-


Bader: LOL madree shasawee feech, intay bes rou7ay.


I wore baggy pants and A hoodie over my pajama's. what has that boy done now?  I thought to myself.


On my table outside there was a bouquet of white roses. how did he know they were my favorite kind of flower? 


A piece of paper attached to a turquoise Tiffany & co. box. On the paper was one sentence that said




"You & Only you hold the key to my heart" Hopelessly romantic as he can be this was the happiest moment of my life and until now I will never forget how happy I was. That was also the first time I cried tears of Joy.


When I opened the box there was a long silver key. I also wanted one but never got the chance to buy one. It was like he read my mind. I never even mentioned that I wanted one.


I BBM'd him because no way was I going to call him, I was not that kind of girl.


Yasmeen: No words can describe how happy I am in this moment, I actually cried tears of joy. Walla mu ga3da ajamlik, I love the present but I loved the bouquet more. That love I have for white roses is endless :D The love I have for you is endless. Thank you very much and there's nothing anyone can do to break us apart. I can't wait for the day that you be mine. LOL chessy-ness overload :p again thank you! I love you:*


I turned my phone off before he can reply to my bbm. I think I was a little too cheesy but I don't care. I actually liked the roses more. I put my necklace on then I put the roses in a vase and filled it with water.


That moment was so worth the terrible nights at the smelly hospital. Marveling the roses and how they beamed in the dark. I spent all night appreciating this moment.







How I was the luckiest girl alive?







How this was too good to be true?

Welcome to reality- Chapter 24:

I woke up in an old, smelly hospital with my parents by my side and Remas sitting on the edge of my bed crying. What have I done? I instantly regretted it seeing Remas cry was my limit.


I opened my eyes while hearing Remas tell my mother "I'll doctor gal ina bit9eer zaina"


"chathabaa, lat gi9een 3alay" my mother said and burst into tears. I've never seen her cry and she was wearing a abaya. That was new too.


Once they realized I was awake my mother quickly gave me a long, lung-crushing hug. My dad gave me a friendly smile and Remas gave me a death stare. oh god.


My parents told me how worried they were and they were glad that I was alive. They were over exaggerating. Then my doctor came in and I remember his exact speech. I wonder if he told my parents. I don't think so "ana esme dr. fayez (he turned to my parents) 3ade akalmha ebrou7ha etha sama7tow? (my parents nodded and Remas left too, he went over to close the door) emm 7abeebty 3adeee as'al so'al? ( I nodded,he knew I thought.) entay et..da5..neen?" He finally said out.


"ee" I said, dying with fear


"Ana a3rf Remas kanat ma3ay bel jam3a o 3alashan a7b-mm a3arifha ma ra7 agoul 7ag ahalch o ana adree ena som3tch mohima fa Remas ew3datny et7l il mow'93 o I umm, trust her" He said and I couldn't help but smirk, He is seriously head over heels over Remas.


"tara may'9a7k, min9jy" He said before leaving the room.


During the day my uncles, aunts & my cousins came. Bader had an after noon tutor and when he found out he was already with the tutor. As soon as he arrived. Farah and Deema just walked in.


"umm khalty 3amee 3ade akalm yasmeen digeega ebrou7y" Farah said, They both nodded and left Bader stayed in the room so did deema.


"Yasmeen shemsawya ib nafsch?" He said and he took my hand, I can see farah making faces at deema. They can be so childish at the most serious times. Just like me sometimes. I didn't dare answer Bader's question I just looked down. Filled with guilt. Bader turned to Deema and Farah.


"mnu kan ma3aha? shnu 9ar?" He asked now he was worried.


"ana, umm (she looked at me asking for my permission to tell him, I nodded yes) kina bl old gym, She was smoking. Ana ma kint mintabha wara7a wela achouf that she smoked five umm zigayer we were ditching class o she stood up wela et6ee7 '3ashyana" She said looking at Bader, then she turned at me "laman 6i7tay rashait 3ala your clothes perfume o da5l 7aljch breath mint o ga3adtch 3ala il bench ele yam il cafeteria o nadait il nurse, giltlaha we came together o min the gate kan maftou7 min wara 3alashan chithee you didn't sign your name bs giltlaha ana ri7t digeega to sign laman rija3t wela 6i7tay '3ashyana. A9lan ma kanat tadree shnu feech o I called Remas o bs" She said and let out a sigh.


Before Bader could comment, I heard the door creek and I turned to Deema because only she could see the door "h-a-y-a" she mouthed


Bader moved away and said in a quiet voice "yaraby hathee eshtabee? lazgaa etmout 3alaina" I laughed at his comment, It made my day. He made my day. 

Welcome to reality- Chapter 23:

Before I start the chapter I've been told by my friends that their younger sisters (9-12) have been reading my blog. Ana ma an9a7kum ina you do. The things I did were wrong o ana 9ara7atan ma afte5er ib ely sawaita bes ba'3ait agolokum hal sha'3la o ana ma ag9b ay a7ad 3ala ay shay bes hathe bes na9ee7a meny. Lawsama7tow e5thoha hal na9ee7a.






Just the sound of the alarm in the morning indicating that there's school instantly gave me a headache. I thought about hitting the snooze button one more time but I was already late. Not that I cared but my mother's going to flip out if she wakes up and realizes that i'm here and not in school..


Knowing by the time I reached school first period would be over. Knowing mr.simms would throw a fit next time he sees me but whatever. I went over to my shoe closet I took out a packet from my locked drawer. Right as I arrived Farah bbm'ed me


Farah: staying at the gym for second and third period, join?  She's been ditching all the time now that her parents are getting a divorce.


Yasmeen: ok, 10.


I came into school without singing my name. Our secretary likes me so she said nothing. I saw The principal and she smiled at me and I smiled back. 9ayda I thought masaw3ibat that I was heading towars the old gym.


I entered the the old gym and dropped my bag next to farah. I took out my pack and took out one.


"3endch wala3a?" I asked her, she just looked at me with a smirk as I sat next to her and handed me a lighter.


She knew that weed was off limits and she's not smoking weed anymore, that's good enough for now and I can't tell her to stop smoking zigayer because I would be the biggest hypocrite alive.


I got a bbm from him, bader.


Bader: shlon el 7elwa elyoum.


I blushed and I can see Farah wiggling her eyebrows at me and I laughed.


Yasmeen: zaina, you?


This has been happening everyday since that day at the chalet. That's what I call magic.


Bader: dam ena wardity (referring to my name as in the flower) zaina shlon ana ma akoun zain? 


Yasmeen: wai3 dudee, wtf? shno ism warda I sound like an old lady!


Bader: LOOOL A very lovely one, yalla pay attention in class. 


He always was the smart one out, Everyone thinks that he would turn out to be a Doctor or something. I never thought I could be one. Even though It was my dream no one ever believed in me but he did. He always told me "etha you don't believe in yourself, you'll never achieve anything in your life" Then I'd make fun of him for sounding like justin bieber (no offence to his fans).


I instantly thought of "what Bader would think?" He wouldn't like it and he'd would have wanted me to be a better person but after the hate I get on ask.fm I can't take it anymore.


I smoked one.


two.


three.


four.


five.



I never smoked this much but I felt okay. A little dizzy but fine, I had biology next period I can't miss that.







I stood up and the last thing I remembered was my body thudding against the wooden floor of the school gym and farah calling my name begging me to wake up.

Welcome to reality- Chapter 22:

I was so confused about who I am.
I was so confused about who I want to be.
I was so confused about the person I am.
I was so confused about being considered a good person.
I was so confused about how people think of me.
I was so confused about whether I was considered thin enough.
I was so confused about my life.
I was so confused about what would happen between me and Bader
I was so confused about whether Farah is going to die.
I was so confused about everything.


These are the thoughts that rampage through my hear at the peak of dawn when insomnia strikes. So I decided to go on a stroll through the sleepless nights at that chalet.


I decided to change, in case I saw anyone. How awkward would it be If I saw my cousins when I was in my pajamas's. So I wore my navy blue abercrombie & fitch sweat pants and a sleeveless floral shirt. Kan shaklee filim, 7ail emraga3 because it was the first thing I found in my closet.


I went downstairs with my Ipod so I can have a jog on the beach hoping anyone wouldn't see me like this especially Bader. Surely enough like he was reading my exact thoughts as I sprung open the porch's door and there he was sitting on the white swing/bench that was handing from the sealing.


He was just sitting there thinking, staring deep onto the ocean and I was looking at him partly embarrassed of what I was wearing. I tries sneaking inside to change but just as I turned around He saw me, no turning back now.


"yasmeen?" Bader asked like he was surprised to see me awake, I just smiled at the way he said my name. It gave goosebumps all over my body, I love how his voice was so tough and smooth at the same time.


"shemga3dch?" He asked curiously and patted to the empty seat next to him indicating I have a seat.


"insomnia" I said, that was a lie. I hate lying to bader but it's to protect him. The thing is I wait until it's 4 A.M so I can start smoking because I would know everyone's asleep.


"ta3alay 5anil3ab li3ba" He said and I nodded my head in agreement and sat next to him. Now I know what he was staring at. The stars, It was simply breath-taking how even through there was visible sun rays that hit the sea the starts still shine. Only a small part of the sun had rosin though.


"the game" Bader said and interrupted my train of thoughts.


"ee goul" I said, not really up to a game but I don't want to let him down.


"mu l3ba 9ejiya bs it's something Russell crow did ib a movie mara. I'll give you a shape and you'd find it among the  starts, ana awal 3a6ene shape" He said over-enthusiastically.


"amlag li3ba" I said whingeing "ok, circle" I said as I finally decided.


He took my index finger between his hands, I like the game already. I hate how I'm so comfortable with him, like he can do anything and I would still be okay with it.


He pointed at the start of one star and to the last one making a huge circle, I gave him that smug look I have like 'zaaain minik' I knew he understood.


We continued to play the game for 20 minutes and now it wasn't anyone's turn we were just talking about everything.


He took my finger and I protested "heeeey! douree"


"I can't let this slip by, sorry" He said like it was really important.


He fingers went star to star until it made a big heart.


He stroked my hair between his fingers behind my ear. "you're to beautiful" He said, I just looked away like he has no Idea how ugly I feel sometimes I smiled shyly.


"3adee as'al so'al" He said


"you already did" I said with a smirk, He let out a chuckle


"laish ana?" He said, I was confused.


"ma fahamt" I said.


"kintay tigdireen atnageen ay wa7ed tabeen enshallah lu uhwa American. Shma3na ana? Shnu I'll '3air ily feeny" He said trying to explain his question.


I stood up, I wanted to leave. If I stay something is going to happen.


"gouleely" He said while gripping my hand lightly.


While standing I said "kilshay feek '3air wela 3umre a7ad gale nu9 il kalam ily giltlyaa wela 3umree chift a7ad e6ali3ny bel na'9ra ely inta et6ale3ny feeha"


"koush jawaab yal gumar" He said and he kissed my hand. I felt like a princess and I walked in and off to my room with the biggest smile.


I checked my ask.fm before I went to sleep and that was the worst decision I made.


"One question"


yal sl*t(bel 3arabee- fihmoha 3ad)



















I slept that night crying thinking that am really? Is that what people think of me? I woke up with a headache from crying. I felt helpless and a bad person, no one understands.